Recurring Emotions

I’m at an awkward stance – the feelings I had for an ex-boyfriend are starting to rush back, rather wildly. We dated long ago, before I even took my AP Biology exam. I remember that vividly, because he used to stay up late with me, keeping me awake as I answered question upon question in the lengthy practice examinations.

I really liked him, and one can never fully forget one’s first crush, I suppose. At any rate, that’s a problem I seem to have. I can’t forget you, no matter how hard I try. Not that you’ll ever chance upon my livejournal, but in the event that you do, this isn’t something you haven’t guessed at, if you don’t already know. I enjoyed your company immensely two years ago, and our recent exchanges have only heightened that feeling.

I miss you.

There, I’ve said it. That’s what it is – I miss the ease with which we used to talk. I miss our intimacy, and I miss the fact that I could trust him with all of my frustrations. He was always a great listener, and all of that hasn’t changed one bit.

But still, we broke up. We ended our relationship, and that has to count for something, right?
How can I expect him to like me again, and to like me enough to overcome the reasons that broke us up in the first place. Especially when it’s been two long years since, although if you were to look at our recent conversations, you would never be able to guess at that. I love it when you’re a flirt.

But why should I define my feelings. I think I’m just going to stop doing what I usually do – it’s never ended well up until now, doing it my way. So although a part of me is craving his touch, and yearns to hear him say those three words to me again, another part of me knows that I should wait.

Wait it out. I’ve known him since I was 15 years old. We’ve grown up together – if we can persevere through these years, a few more months will only strengthen our friendship…I hope.

I’m scared though, I don’t want to lose him again. It was devastating enough the first time…do I really want to be heartbroken again? So if I just think of him as a good friend until things are definitely headed in a certain direction, I’m not getting my hopes up.

And now i’m talking to him, and sufficiently distracted, so I’m just going to post this!


2 thoughts on “Recurring Emotions

  1. I’m surprised you didn’t private this, but it’s very bittersweet…
    I don’t think you should lament about the past, what happened happened already. So don’t worry about him not liking you, or rushing into anything, or dwell on the fact that it’s not the same anymore…You already have the memories which is great. But both of you are more mature now. It can happen again. It might happen again. But you have to be yourself. You can’t be too scared or think it “never works out my way.” If he knows you so well, then he knows your way, and he should love every part of you! I really think you should follow your heart Kapry and just be yourself. Like you said, both of you have been friends for a very long time. So he knows you. And now that you’re both in college, the distance is more easily managed.
    I’m not saying to jump into things, you’ll probably know when you’re ready, but stregthen the trust between yourselves and be yourself..

    • Blah
      I don’t want it to be private…if it was going to be a private entry, I would have logged it into my written journal ❤
      It was more of a ramble than anything else though – if you observe the casual manner in which I switch tenses, you’ll see that it’s not serious writing. But I sound too formal explaining this, you know what I mean. I tried to weave myself into the lament as much as keep myself out of it, hence the whole ‘you/him’ interchange within the entry.
      But you know, you’re right. I shouldn’t worry and…he does know my way. I may have changed on the surface from the transition to college, but he knows that my underlying personality’s the same.
      I still like to have fun, I still laugh a lot, I’m still just as dramatic and stubborn, and I’m still energetic. Effervescent even! And he used to love that…and that hasn’t changed. We’re still very much ATTRACTED to each other, that’s not even the problem anymore. We just don’t know where to take that attraction…or what to do with it. It’s not something that I can forget about – the instant resurfacing of my feelings for him after two years apart is apt proof of that. But at the same time, I don’t want to be so easily drawn into a tangle of messy long-distance relationships. Maybe this time, it’ll work. If we like each other enough, we could probably make it last, but the sad thing is, as much as I want him to love me, I’m scared of letting it happen.
      Bah, this is more of a personal rant from me to you now, so I’ll save it for when we talk ❤ Come sleep over at NYU sometime, seriously.

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