Happy Valentine’s Day. Happy Year of the Tiger.
I’m miserable. Already. And it’s not even 1am yet. I suppose its more the fact that I’m in college than anything else that I feel so miserable today. I know I’m not alone, and I know I don’t deserve to whine or moan about the fact that I’m single today, but I can’t help but feel just a little jealous. I look around me, and these days, all I seem to notice is the blaring existence of cute, romantic couples.
Nobody likes me. No, I mean, seriously, nobody’s shown even a little bit of interest in me. Sure, I have a lot of friends, but nothing seems to be working right. And most of those who I’d hoped to hear from today have all but removed themselves from my existence, through no fault of my own. If an 18 year old boy (or is he already a man?) can’t deal with his feelings, then I don’t know what more I can say. If he wants to turn away from me because I’ve been a good friend to him for five years now, then what can I do but wait and hope he’ll come back? Hope that he’ll come to his senses – as if that’s any assurance or reason for optimism on this day.
I don’t understand – why do people push away from me so easily. At first, I’m the cute bubbly girl they know, but then, once they get closer to me, I’m too…I’m too innocent? So they ALL decide that the best way to take care of this problem is to revoke all contact with me. Observe, I’m not even kidding a little bit.
1. I’ve been friends with him for five years now, and known him for even longer than that; he’s the person I mentioned above. I trust him, and he tells me he trusts me. We talk to each other about everything, and I love the fact that he’s always there for me. And I sure as hell am there for him, through all the time he FUCKS up and does something stupid. “It doesn’t matter,” I think. “He doesn’t really mean it.” And he doesn’t. He apologizes. We make up and move on – we’re still friends. But then, one day, a slip of the tongue, and he almost confesses that he likes me. That he wishes we could have dated one another, gone to prom together, been together. But we can’t, of course, not anymore. He’s too far, right? We go to two different colleges, and it just wouldn’t be the same. I understand, I get it. I can move on. But he can’t. So he texts me, and tells me it’d be better if we never spoke again.
Just like that, he completely stopped talking to me. Entirely. My life is devoid of his existence, and the fact that somebody who I’ve been friends with for SO long can ditch me so utterly and completely like that…REALLY upsets me. And with good reason, I should think.
Fuck. I’m crying.
2. So this one’s not quite as bad, but in other ways, its even worse. Don’t judge, thanks. Not that it’ll matter – all of you who read me already know my stories…I’m not one to keep secrets. I met him online, about three years ago now? Maybe two? At any rate, we met, and we began to date one another. In come some of the best few months of my life. But then, he had a two week trip to Germany, an exchange of sorts sponsored by his high school. We were juniors in high school. Just like that, I was dumped. Over MSN – not even the courtesy of a phone call. And then, once again, a complete disappearing act.
Not a single bit of it. For over six months. And then one day, “Hey Pry, how’re you?” he said. Completely out of the blue. I mean, seriously, how the fuck do you think I am? Atleast…how do you think I am in terms of my feelings towards you? But then…the on and off conversations continued until this winter break, we got very very close again – to the point where we again began to discuss meeting up. He wants to come here for a weekend. I want him to come here for a weekend. But deep down, I know it’s not going to happen, and I’m glad it won’t – how much more heartbreak does one have to deal with?
– – –
There are a few more similar stories, so believe me when I tell you that the men I meet have a penchant for later disappearing completely. It makes it hard to even get close to a new friend that way, but I do it anyway…I’m too affectionate not to, and that’s definitely proven to be more a downfall than a boon in the long run.
But depressing, bitter entry aside, my night, at least, ended up getting a little better. Who knew talking to somebody and just…relaxing…could be this much fun? I’m glad I still have a few good friends, huh? A few good friends awake at this hour, at any rate. Well, actually, in his defense, he did go to bed at 3! (if you’re reading this, YOU KNOW WHAT I’M TALKING ABOUT! Thanks for making the day a lot better <3)
Honestly, "The Spy Next Door" is hilarious when you watch it late at night with a friend!
And now, my bed wants me to sleep in it. So I'm going to go do that! Good night!
Controlled Derangement 