A Confused Ramble 3.0

This one has gone through drastic edits as well. This version is the one I included in my final Creative Writing portfolio however. Enjoy!

I sat in my bed poring over Organic chemistry, Biology, and the Skype log of my last conversation with Chris. There had to be something I’d said that triggered his anger. It was frustrating – no matter how many times I read through our conversation from Sunday night, I found nothing wrong. It was normal and relaxed. It was cute! We were home for the weekend, and he missed me. I missed him.

[12/6/2010 10:17:22 PM] Christian: well, maybe ur a bit better than alright
[12/6/2010 10:18:43 PM] Jessica: no im pretty sure u think im awesome
[12/6/2010 10:19:51 PM] Christian: well…
[12/6/2010 10:20:04 PM] Jessica: well ….
[12/6/2010 10:20:20 PM] Christian: i guess so, MUAH!
[12/6/2010 10:20:32 PM] Jessica: see i was rite!
[12/6/2010 10:20:35 PM] Jessica: muah!
[12/6/2010 10:20:57 PM] Christian: i miss you :*

But now it’s Thursday, and I haven’t heard a single thing from him since that Sunday night. If he were just a friend, perhaps four days could be excused by a busy schedule, but if a boyfriend goes MIA for so long, there has to be something wrong. I suppose I should go talk to him soon. In fact, I know I should. Scary thoughts are running through my head right now. If he’s upset with me, he needs to tell me so we can talk about what’s wrong and fix it and go back to being happy. One day we’re having a normal conversation, and the next, he refuses to acknowledge my presence. He ignored my IM’s, Skype video chat invitations, and my texts. It’s not a hard concept – talking about why one is mad – but I fear that men simply don’t understand what we want from them. They’re such confusing creatures.

I haven’t been telling him a lot about my personal life lately, but that’s because I don’t want to burden him with my own problems. He’s on the pre-med track, I know how stressful our classes are. I doubt he wants to listen to me break down about how family issues have been increasing the stress on my own life. As my boyfriend, he should be able to tell that I need his support the most right now, but instead, he’s avoiding me. And to be completely honest, he doesn’t even have the time to talk to me if he wanted to. He has a midterm tomorrow in his Statistics class. I only found out because Anna, a friend of mine in that class, told me about it. When did we stop telling each other things?

Sometimes, I feel like he wants to break up with me. Maybe he’s tired of me – am I too melodramatic? My best friends in high school always criticized me for being too dramatic, so I might have finally scared him away. I think college friends feel the same way but are too nice to bring it up. I’m not oblivious though, I know the truth. I just don’t understand why he’s suddenly decided that I’m not worth his time? It feels out of the blue – like I said, he sounded normal before, if a bit reserved. The more I think about it, the more I realize – he’s stopped using <3’s in his text messages now. It was a texting quirk of mine that rubbed off on him, but now he doesn’t use it anymore. Is he outgrowing me? My best friend questions me all the time, and I honestly have no idea where Chris is and what he’s doing unless I’m with him.

Am I just supposed to stay with him all the time? Has he gotten bored of my company? I love him. He said “I love you” to me for the first time just three works ago. At first, I thought this was his way of wanting some more space, but why would he say he loves me and then avoid contact. Does he want more space? Does he regret saying “I love you” to me? I don’t know what to do and how to help him, but regardless of what his reasons are, I think he needs to tell me how he feels instead of give me the cold shoulder. I don’t want to intentionally drive us apart, but every day he ignores me drives me away from him. I want to date a mature individual, not a boy holding some sort of unspoken grudge. He’s acting as though we’re in elementary school, and the frustration is welling up inside of me. Fat teardrops threaten to explode. I can’t understand why he won’t text me. “Why are you upset? Let’s talk,” I text him, and I don’t get a text, call, or IM in reply. Nothing. Nada. I’m staring at my Blackberry waiting for it to vibrate and waiting to see “Christian Rocconova calling” light up on the screen, but that’s not happening. When I went to chemistry lecture today morning, he didn’t even say hello.

I’ve just noticed how extensively he shadows my life. It’s been four days with no contact, and I see glimpses of him everywhere I go. I feel phantom hands cuddling around me at night, but they’re not warm and comforting like his are. I really miss him. I miss the knowledge that no matter how rough my day has been, I can talk to him, kiss him, fall asleep in his arms.

My best friend tells me that I need to talk to him some more. Not just to figure out why he’s mad, but to tell him more about my mother’s illness and how it’s straining my every move. I don’t know how to deal with the stress sometimes. I just know I need him here. I need him to help our relationship get through whatever these past four days have been like. After dating me for more than a year, he should know that the best way to deal with any problems between us is by talking about them. If he runs away, I get mad. I get worried and paranoid. I ramble like I am right now. I need to understand why he’s mad, but he’s not letting me know. He’s holed up in the library to study, and when he gets back, he plays videogames or goes to sleep. I’m his girlfriend, and he’s reduced me into nothing more than a creepy girl asking his friends for his whereabouts all the time. I just want him to talk to me again!

He’s preoccupied, that’s understandable. It is midterm week, after all. But no real solution to this concrete problem will be found if he doesn’t even tell me what went wrong in the first place.

My vision’s blurring, and I wipe away a tear. I really need my best friend here right now. Colleges should not be allowed to be this far apart from one another. When we were in ninth grade, just entering high school together, the two of us had made a pact. We would apply to the same colleges as one another. In eleventh grade, she realized that she wanted to be an English major, so we settled on applying to colleges that had great pre-law and pre-med programs. Then, when the time came to apply for FAFSA, she received more money than I did. I watched my dreams of attending NYU fall apart. We both got in. She accepted. She left in August 2009 to begin her life in New York City. I made my way here, to SUNY Stonybrook. Not a bad college, but not my dream. Our dream was there, in New York City. She lives for both of us there, and without Chris, I would have very little reason to stay.

On most days, I’m happy that we’re able to lead separate lives and still keep in touch nearly every single day, but sometimes, I just want her to be here for me with a pint of ice cream and a chick flick. She has a boyfriend now too, but I don’t want to burst her bubble just yet and tell her how hard they are to maintain. I am a staunch believer – boys do not understand girls. Sometimes, we don’t understand them either, but they are usually just very lazy individuals.

This whole time, I’ve been sitting here thinking about my best friend and my boyfriend – my two favorite BFs – when I should be studying for my midterms instead. He probably doesn’t even know that I feel ignored. A guy can go a couple days without seeing his girl. His girl though, she needs reassurance every few hours that he’s still enamored. Perhaps a girl with more self-confidence would not be so needy, but I miss him terribly. I miss the attention, but I miss his companionship much more. I love him.

My Blackberry hasn’t vibrated in over an hour. I’m beginning to feel that there is an issue with my phone. Perhaps he’s been texting me, but I haven’t received anything and thus, haven’t replied. That could have made him mad enough to ignore me entirely. Not reasonable or nice, but it’s a possibility. I’m going to reach over to the cell phone, snuggly plugged into the charger by my bed, and turn it off. Take out its battery, restart. Pray that he texts me.

I’m living on prayers and wishes. I’ve steadfastly waited for 11:11 (AM and PM) and wished for a communication from him. I’ve been sitting here counting the hours without him, and it feels like I’m counting to eternity. It is impossible to keep count, each minute feels like an hour, each hour a year. One day is of unimaginable magnitude, four a tragedy. He is killing me slowly, drawing out the pain from one minute to one hour, one day to four

The phone vibrates. I rush back to my bed, answer it. It is from him, but before I can read what it says, Chris walks in through the door, envelops me in his arms and whispers I love you as he runs his fingers through my hair. I feel my spirits lifted instantaneously, his voice is a balm. I look down, and the text message says “I love you” too.

“I love you. I do.”

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One thought on “A Confused Ramble 3.0

  1. I actually had so much to say while I was reading that I’m afraid I forgot most of it by now! But aaahhh it’s just as frustrating as the first time!! Hahaha The first time made me want to know really badly WHY he ignored her and I think it ended unresolved? This one was sweet and I didn’t expect that ending! Because…He ignored her for four days and then all of a sudden sweeps her off her feet. You know I looked down by accident and saw “I do” at the bottom and I thought he proposed to her ahahaha.
    I really felt like this was like reading it for the first time again 🙂 The beginning was really lighthearted, and then after that she basically freaked out haha.Some quotes I really enjoyed:
    “He’s holed up in the library to study, and when he gets back, he plays videogames or goes to sleep”
    ^My life
    “My best friends in high school always criticized me for being too dramatic, so I might have finally scared him away. I think college friends feel the same way but are too nice to bring it up.”
    ^So true. College friends are nicer and more easy going about things like that ahaha
    “I’ve steadfastly waited for 11:11 (AM and PM) and wished for a communication from him” This is so you!
    And this is perhaps my favorite line “He is killing me slowly, drawing out the pain from one minute to one hour, one day to four

    I really like how you captured Jessica’s character so wonderfully. You draw me in and make me wonder why he’s ignoring her and how unjustified it is and everything!
    by the way, ahahah I don’t remember that detail about it being set in Stonybrook! Who was that inspired by? hahaha Along with the pre-med track it’s very suspicious! LOL I like it ❤ It's a very cute story! I really felt the character. You did an amazing job!!

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