This is a break-up poem

I’m watching Hot Tub Time Machine. This is a break-up story. Watch the movie if you don’t get it.

I’ve lost, doesn’t mean I’ll stop.
You’re gone, I’m pining.
I’m hurting, I’m hurt.
Doesn’t mean you won’t
get what you deserve.

Cold, I’m reliving the memories.
Play by play, cold but playing on,
What did I do wrong? What did you do wrong?
Why did we fail?

Somewhere along the way,
You stopped loving me, and
Here I am, crying without you
Because I still love you.
It’ll wear off, the feelings will
Fade. Your actions though,
They’re irreversible. What you did
To me, somebody else will do to you.
Just keep waiting, the glory of being free,
It’ll wear off. When it does,
You’ll realize you’re a little bit lost and alone
and hurt too. Just like me.
You broke it, you hurt me,
You gave up at the slightest difficulty.
Look me in the eyes, tell me you love me,
Then look again, tellin me you’re gone.
With another girl,
I’m alone with my pain.
You’ve wasted my time,
And I let you blow it all away.
I’m alone with my pain,
Alone with the pain.
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[4] Dark

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She waited for her movie to buffer. It was 2:50 A.M. and she was still just a little bit tipsy.
She wanted to send out some angry messages – she sucked at those when she was sober, and drinking some always hardened her resolve.

So the movie buffered, and she thought she’d talk to her imaginary audience a little while she waited. She was enveloped in darkness, the only real light around her was the one from her laptop. The microwave and the alarm clock were there, and the printer’s soft blue light reminded her that it was on and ready to print, but aside from that, it was dark. The blinds tightly shut, both roommates asleep.

Dark.
She loved it. She relished it, she thrived in it. She jokingly called herself a vampire, but honestly, the dark was comforting. It lulled her to sleep, it robbed her of sight but for some reason, dimmed down the sounds as well. At night, everything was quieter and she could collect her thoughts, write them down.
She used to talk on her phone a lot at night. She loved late night phone calls, you know. She loved falling asleep to somebody’s voice in her ears – she was quite hooked to the habit, but late night conversations in the dark lead to unwanted feelings and attachments, and not always on her part.
It was difficult, the night. It brought out the desires, the sins, the truths and the lies, the hidden memories and worst of all, the fears.
She wasn’t afraid of the dark, but she was not one of those brave prolific and philosophical souls who were only afraid of fear itself either. She was afraid of commitment and of sex, she was afraid of spiders and bugs, and she was afraid of the water…a little bit.
She was afraid of many things, but she embraced the dark. It hid her flaws, it softened hard truths, and it cloaked her in a veil of solace.
She liked the dark because she could cry, and nobody could see. She liked it because she could use it to mask those fears. Because in the dark, Pryanka was brave.
She thrived, she flourished in the dark.

Life

Impasse.
Don’t know where to go next,
Forced to look back,
I am running from something.

Tough.
Do not know my future,
Seem to be stuck on a different page
Than everybody else.

Stranded,
Strained friendships,
Broken relationships and
Awkward situations beyond mend.

 
Confused,
Unsure of why I am so
Incapable of
Being Loved. 

You know who you are

I wish your life was perfect. I often find myself wishing happiness, success, knowledge, and luck upon others. Because well, my life ain’t so bad. So yeah, sometimes I pray that your life stays peachy. I hope your morale stays high, your determination stays strong. 

Most of all, i wish we were going through this together. Pre-business, Pre-law, Pre-med, Psychology, Math, Economics…whatever paths we end up choosing, I wish we were going through them together. Because what use are best friends when they are miles away? I feel useless all the way here when all I really want to do is find you, motivate you, distract you, procrastinate with you, and just well…be best friends with you all the time. 

This isn’t a love letter, its just a shoutout to a friend who needs some cheering up. This isn’t a pep talk, its a heart-to-heart on a public journal because I’m not afraid to tell it how it is. And girl, you need some advice, some cheer, and some best friend talk right now. 

Everybody fights. When I go home, I argue with my parents. I bicker with my brother…I know how you feel right now. We’re all a headstrong bunch, you know that. We can’t take for granted that we’ll get our way every time, but at the same time, I know how ready you are to feel independent. That’s why you’re studying where you are right now, it was your attempt to escape a pretty demoralizing situation.

 
Fighting with your roommate is crappy. I try my best to avoid confrontations as well but I think that if thats what its going to come down to, you need to sit your roommate down and let her know – we are living together, yes, but that does’t mean we’re married. We don’t need to bicker, you do your thing and I’m going to do mine. You have enough on your plate with classes and schoolwork as it is, you certainly do not need to add drama to the mix.
 
Studying somewhere on campus isn’t a bad idea, that’s basically what I’ve been doing this past semester to avoid my own roommate situation. It works but that doesn’t mean you need to spend entire nights out. Just tell her you have a test, you need to study, and you need to not be disturbed. You need to stop living like family or even friends because adding that extra bit of distance is going to keep you sane and give you the ability to concentrate.
 
That’s my two cents at any rate – there won’t be any tension, there won’t be constant fights. Just go back to your apartment, do your own thing. Interact when you need to, of course, but try your best to let your roommate know that she isn’t here to take care of anybody. Part of why you moved away from NHP was independence – well now that you have it, don’t just rely on your roomie to take care of you. Prove that you’re learning from the new experience and making use of the transfer.
 
If you’re just going to do the same thing there that you did here, there’s really no point in paying the additional costs. Just come back if all you plan on doing is school and arguments. You went there to escape the necessity of explaining yourself. so then…escape it. Stop creating the same conditions you’re trying to escape.
 
As for last minute cramming….
 
You know I’m going to be honest here – that is mostly just poor planning on your part. Next semester’s not going to be that much easier, just an FYI. If you can, try to change the schedule to something more balanced PLEASEEEE. I’m begging you, why are you setting yourself up for misery after seeing just how…miserable an unbalanced schedule can make you.
I know what it feels like to need a break/escape. Just know that the semester is almost over and I’ll be there for you this summer. I definitely plan on visiting you all the way up there in Buffalo, just you wait and watch. It will happen and you will like it 😀

Assignments: Week 13 [April 18-April 22]

British Literature
[X] War & Modernity Readings – Monday’s Lecture
[ ] Readings for Wednesday’s Lecture

Comparative Politics
[X] Read lectures for tuesday/thursday
[ ] Maybe take a look at the textbook if you get bored? lolyearight

Law & Society
[X] Tuesday + Thursday -Epstein Readings
[ ] Write Response Paper #2 before the end of the semester

Quantitative Methods
[ ] HW #9 – Due Thursday 4/21

NOLA Road Trip Log – Coming Back [March 19]

March 19 – 4:45PM
We’ve been on leg 3 of this trip since 7:15AM 🙂 Leg 3 is, of course, the road trip back home to New York City. As much as I hated leaving New Orleans, now that we’re on our way back, I really want to get back, check my midterm grades and just study a little bit. Take a break from the reality check I’ve lived through this week, you know? We spent the past 8 days without a single care towards school or classes or syllabi and thats not going to make them disappear. They’re still here and I still have school this Monday 😦 I’m looking forward to getting on the computer again, updating my livejournal with all of this and cracking open a textbook again. I’m going to be productive!  I’ve actually slept a majority of the morning and early afternoon. Everybody was drowsy then but I’m definitely awake now. Not going to lie, I wish I had a day or two back at home before classes started. As it is however, I have until 12:30 on Monday. Reminder to myself – I really need to look over the chapter for my comparative politics class – our presentation is next Wednesday so I want to get that started.

Anyway, back to the present, we’re still somewhere in Tennessee, we’ll be stopping overnight in Roanoke (Rowan Oak? I don’t even know), Virginia. I could potentially be repeating myself. I’m not sure. The music in the car is sort of (really) distracting lol. And my own handwriting gets really sloppin in the car. Especially towards the end of the page.

 
I bought some tape and a new homework folder for Aaron – he’s one of the kids I’m really going to miss. He has severe ADHD I believe, but he’s also on a pretty heavy dosage of Adderall (sp?) and it makes him actually fall asleep in the morning and afternoon. Every day. And still, that child manages to understand all of the new concepts they learn.
 
Then there was Cornell, who had quite possibly the cutest boy voice I have ever heard. I think my heart broke a little every time I heard him say my name. Or just spoke anything. I really didn’t want to leave at all. AT ALLLLL. Cornell was adorable ❤ The first day we worked there with the kids, he pronounced his name with such a strong accent I thought his name was Kernall or Kanell or Jamell or anything…it could have beeen ANYTHING I was so clueless I just tried replicating the sounds when I tried to get his attention. I must have sounded like such a southern wannabe rofl. And then there was a Raheem and a Jaheem and a Kyheem and all of those boys were sitting on a table together with a girl named Snasia but her name was actually pronounced as you would Shanaya…yeah it was a lot to soak in. My point though is, I kept mixing the boys names up and evers since then, Cornell would run up to me in the morning, hug me, and then ask me if I remembered his name yet. Of course I did because he was just SO cute and his voice was soooooooooooo adorable (it reminded me a little bit of Vibhor’s voice actually. Same mischievous undertone and everything)
 
Danielle and Brandy were the 2 girls I interacted with the most althugh all of them would run their fingers through my hair for fun (its really long and soft, or so I’m told). I think Dani and Brandy were both incredibly smart though, which I love. Brandy, when she found out we were from   NYU, confided to me the second day that she had heard of NYU and that it was in new york city and that new york city was magic and she was going to live there and go to college there just like me.
 
It breaks my heart having to leave these children. Do you see why?
 
IDanielle had like..2 front teeth and thats all. SO CUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUTE. All of them are in various stages of losing their baby teeth right now haha. Super cute, thin, adorableeeee features. 
 
I’m leaving part of my heart behind in New Orleans. I really am, because I could go on for pages and pages about my little kids. All 21 of them have impacted me as much as I’ve impacted them, if not more. I went there thinking I would feel satisfaction from helping out a community in need. Instead, this community has shown me so much respect and hospitality that I am leaving revitalized knowing that THEY helped me. I’m humbled and honored to have met the people here, I really am. I don’t know…I really hope I’ll revisit these children sometime. The whole thing is tough, devastating even to me. Devoting your life for a week to 21 little 2nd graders, coming and bringing happiness, warmth, knowledge, and individual attention into their lives every single day for a week and then in the end, just saying bye and driving back to NY as if we haven’t left behind such an important part of ourselves with them. Of course we have. You can’t just DO that and then leave unchanged. No matter how stoic you are, this vacation we went on has power beyond words. It was an incredible, an amazing experience. As if we can blink and forget that these kids even existed. I don’t know what to say, I’m just making myself want to cry again. 
 
i cried when I left. So did Cornell when he tugged on my shirt and begged me to take me to New York in the car with him. He was like..prypry I won’t take up too much space. And then I just couldn’t handle it, I started crying. I wish I could have been a part of their lives for longer. There are an infinite amount of things still to be said, but I’m taking a break for now. I need some time emotionally before I can begin to reminisce without tears.
 
I will however, point out that the kids all made me little souvenirs to take back. I’m going to scan them and make a collage/poster to print out and put in my room back at home. These memories were priceless.

Pre-Summer Break Slump

 The number of meaningful relationships I have has dwindled down to two.
Nabila and Jessica.

I can say that after this year ends, I will have lost basically every single friend I have made since I came to NYU two Septembers ago.
The few good things the first half of college has given me….
1. My first kiss
2. My first boyfriend (Even though that, too, ended horribly)
3. My first clubbing experience

4. My first self-made actual meal
5. My first real job
 
Its been a lot of firsts, which is great, but the temporality of everything i desire seems to be running faster in NYC than I can keep up with.
 
I’m also just really really miserable because…
1. I have a throat infection
2. I have allergies
3. I have a cold
4. I’m alone. Everybody seems to be flaking out on me/ignoring me
5. I’ve lost touch with too many people I care about and discovered that most of them don’t feel as strongly for me.
 
I just want to feel better and cuddle somebody right now. Instead I’m going to cry myself to sleep //_ ;
I have work tomorrow anyway.