My next theme is "Finding solace" and that originally sounded like a tough one but after tonight (or perhaps because I am currently in this mood), I want to make the rest of my tales about finding solace.
The next story will be the start of Pryanka’s journey to find solace.
Wish me luck.
Step 1 – distancing myself from the forum. It’s become too much a part of me and I just get constant little reminders that other people aren’t as invested in their ‘online relationships’a s I am. Its so easy to ignore a person who IM’s you obviously upset. So easy to just sign off when a situation gets awkward or upsetting (which is what i did) but I need to face the fact that the only conclusion to be drawn from either of those instances is that…well…its time to face the music. I am a fool for considering my online friendships viable and until I am proven wrong, my opinion will not change. I was a complete idiot for allowing myself to believe these people are my friends.
They have never seen me. They probably never will. So who the fuck am I kidding? Time to just grow up and get over it.
Step 2 – go on vacation. From everybody really. I think that pulling a Kirti this summer will do wonders for how upset I am with the status of most of my current relationships – with males and females, online and in-person. Everything just feels like a giant fuckin disappointment right now and I want to stop feeling so mopey about the whole thing. So this summer, I am going to spend my time with absolutely no expectations from others at all. I will not initiate any efforts to make plans because if you could care less whether you see me/IM me/speak to me, then I will stop giving a shit as well. I need to be taught who my true friends are once more, it seems. Issela is exempt from all of this because well, she is 1) my roommate to be and 2) in another country and has done nothing wrong.
Step 3 – finish pending projects before taking on new ones. This means picking up Bet I again as well as completing 100 Tales and making the user and pet lookups I should have finished months ago. I need the satisfaction that the completion of these projects will bring me.
Back to 100 Tales though – the tales will all chronicle my journey. They will not be autobiographical but well…consider it an act of placing a mini-me into various situations to try to better understand myself and how I would react. Its self-help really. I need writing t herapy and I need it soon because I am just still in such a slump man. Its been too long, I need to get over things and just cheer up but its tough when your friends are just so distant from you. The people I usually talk to are seemingly never there anymore and you already know my newly formed opinion of online friendships. Because ignoring an IM when I am visibly upset (and not knowing the link to my LJ when I’ve shown it to you multiple times) makes me realize that you’re not really a true friend either.
GOT THAT? TRUE FRIENDS OF PRYANKA SHOULD KNOW THE LINK TO HER LIVEJOURNAL. SHE’S ONLY HAD IT FOR A FEW YEARS NOW NO BIG DEAL.
Anyway…in order to retain my own sanity and try my best to make myself feel better about myself, 100 Tales is going to be all about me. Simple enough 🙂
PPS: This was written at probably 2:30 in the morning or so but LiveJournal wasn’t letting me update at the time so I’m updating now.