Everything in my life right now is Just Fine. Its not a standstill, and its not bad, but its not amazing either. Do you know that feeling you get, when you're stuck in limbo? Like there has to be some sort of…THING…coming up that'll sweep you off your feet and make life adventurous and exciting and fearsome again, but its not quite here yet. This is like the all-nighter I pull before a flight to India, that stage where I'm too excited in the anticipation of more eventful times but not willing to let myself sink into resignation and regret.
I'm getting work done, I'm commuting to class, I'm working, I'm participating in the NYU activity (aka e-Board of 2 clubs + being a Site Leader) but I'm just too exhausted by the routine of it all.
I'm not talking to Dan anymore. I don't really know, I think he thinks that our friendship is over and I'm probably better off not being friends with somebody who can throw two years away in a heartbeat.
And then, ironically enough, I'm talking to Dan again. The Dan from Michigan. The one I have so many years of history, of ups and downs with. We're in one of those phases where we talk every single day right now, and I love it, but I feel as though this is a superficial closeness. He's teaching me chess and I'm hoping that we're able to keep it casual and keep in touch long enough to rekindle true friendship from whatever it is we had when we were 16.
Then I wonder if that is even possible?
I can't reverse the clock, go back in time and fix things. But I'm still waiting for the one, and we have so much in common that I can't help but feel attracted to him everytime we talk. You never forget your first, I guess that goes for your first (and only) online boyfriend as well? We grew up differently, we want different things. But that tension is still there, and while it makes for FUN times, it doesn't necessarily make for LASTING times. And to be honest, I don't even know if anything 'lasting' is what I need right now. I should wait until graduate school, figure out where I'll be, and then try to open up my heart.
Keep it in an inpenetrable cage until then?
But the trouble is, I love too easily. Not the head-over-heels puppy-dog-love, but the kind where you care about another person, where you remember what is going on their life, and you try to be there for them to ease their sorrows and share their joys. The kind of love where you don't want them to hurt themselves, even if it means letting them take the anger out on you. The kind where you'll overlook their flaws because you believe they are a GOOD person.
And then every time I go ahead and do that, they screw me over. My past haunts me and I cannot help but expect more of this in the future.
And yet, I'm just fine. Just waiting. Just hoping.