Because if I start now, I’ll actually have tons of things by the time it hits Christmas so I won’t be stuck saying “I don’t know” or “I don’t want anything” to relatives. I’m so tired of being proper and denying gifts. This year, GIMME GIMME GIMME.

The Wishlist –

1. A Scrapbook
I have plenty of scrapbooking materials – Vintage photographs, stencils, stamps, stickers, tags, papers, etc. I just don’t know how to turn those papers into an actual scrapbook. So a nicely bound book that I can begin to decorate would be awesome!

2. Nail Art Pens
Nail art is something I’m becoming more and more intrigued by. It is just a hobby but some more nail art pens would be cool! I already have the following though: Black, White, Silver, Gold, Pink, Orange, Yellow, Green, Blue, Purple

3. Perfume
I basically own one perfume right now. It’s called Fancy, by Jessica Simpson. I’ve owned it for 3 yeas now.

4. Graphic Laptop Messenger Bag or Sleeve

LOOK AT THIS, IT IS SO PRETTY – http://www.amazon.com/Midnight-Notebook-Compartment-Shoulder-Messenger/dp/B003JQRFHI/ref=sr_1_1?s=electronics&ie=UTF8&qid=1319607814&sr=1-1

5. Stila Smudge Pots – Black Cat, Kitten, Cobalt Clutch, Pomegranate
I saw that Beautycrunch has the Barbie Cobalt Clutch smudge pot for 9 dollars, WHICH IS AMAZING. But then they charge you 8 to ship so it’s not really savings anymore. Normal smudge pots are 20 😛

6. Makeup Brushes + Brushcare Essentials
I have one for powder foundation. And that’s literally it. I also have a eyeliner brush that came with the Physicians Formula gel eyeliner I bought, but the brush sucks. Can’t draw a line for shit, it’s too flimsy.

7. Eyeshadow Palettes?
I have a giiiiant Color Theory 50 shade palette, but it’s too big to actually cart around. It’s pigmented, cost me 5 dollars, and lasts all day (so all of you should buy it) but it’s not ideal for travel or on-the-go. It also doesn’t have any browns o.o Or cream/matte finish. It’s all sparkly and glitzy haha

The Glass

This one starts out with a hard look in the mirror.
The bones, muscles, veins,
The skin. Its color.
The eyes, their shape.

An observation and an acknowledgment.
Come to peace with yourself,
And then exude the confidence
That will bring you everyone else.

It’s like flying a kite,
Soaring up and above.
Just keep in mind,
You need to stay rooted.

That mirror, your face,
The expression, your pout.
Those are you, and you need to stay rooted.
Stay gold stay up.

Be happy, carefree.
Just look and smile and move on.
Just flow. Life flows you flow everything flows
And happens for a reason.

So you look in that mirror,
And who do you see?
You should see you,
And you should be happy.

Raw. Senseless. Prose Poesy

Prose Poesy

A flame, passion awakening. Kindled fire, seething brain. Churning emotions, like seething water, churning inside my brain. Angry thoughts, ideas, gestures.

A sea of hopelessness, churning seething. Waves, crashing over me. Fire everywhere still fire over churning waves. Be still, my heart.

No relief. Eyes closed, typng furiously. Spur of the moment, drunken sympathies. Emotions pouring out. Shot after shot seething hot. Liquid courage, alcohol. Resilience. Strength.

Burning. Pain burning, tortured souls. Cauldron of heat, misery, of torture. Couldron of dreams, cushed dreams. Churning.

Passions of the night, a pounding headache. Words pounding. Against my head, words pounding like little bullets needing to get out from the churning sea of my brain.

So much rebellious anger, fueled by night. The light of this screenwashing away the pain. Pain is dear, craving th dark once more.

The heart is in anguish. The mind is broken, in pieces. Searching for a spark, a spirit, a soul. Something to latch on to, pull it out of the churning.

Reaching, leaping. Kindred spirits. Wanting, not getting. Cupcakes and fairies, short skirts, leggings. Acceptance. Dresses and dances, boyfriends and kisses. Romances and tingles. Sex. Love. Desire.

All tempting, but the spirit encapsulated, caged away.

Come away with me, spirit. Fly out of this cage. Drink, my heart, escape the churning froth of the sea. Escape the crashing waves, escape the world of broken promises, of flaky suitors. Of fiances and broken engagements. Of love lost. Labor lost. Everything lost. Escape, fly. Win, dream, prosper.

Escape the torture. Not death, but life. Living potential, living out of the sea into the heavens. Mounting, aspiration. Marlovian ideals at their finest, aspiring and mounting and triumph, when Icarus failed. And fell.

Raw emotion, senseless passion. Laying awake but asleep. Eyes closed, mind open.


Sometimes in my gut,
There’s this feeling.
When I know something I want,
Just isn’t going to happen.

It creeps upon me,
At night when I’m sleeping,
And I know that what I expect
And what will occur are different.

It isn’t a good or a bad thing,
Just being wrong and knowing
That what has gotten your hopes up
Is going to make them dash right back down.

Nobody is to blame, nobody is at fault,
My heart’s just quick to attach
To false hopes. Just quick to expect
When there’s just no spark.

No spark. Nobody to blame.
Just empty fireworks on a cold
New Years Eve,
My heart breaking.

Full Circle

One year later,
I am come full circle.

I am arrived, just
Down the shore from
Whence I departed.

All those days have tumbled,
Collapsed and inverted
Into the distance of the shore –
My present and my past.

I am come full circle,
Almost back where I started.
I have learned to be stronger,
More independent, and most importantly,

New passions, old flames,
They have been obstacles,
And I have overcome them all,
For to come full circle,
I have jumped every hurdle
And persevered.

And now, life is rewarding me,
And I am allowed to love again.
Cleanse my palette,
And paint on my mind’s canvas with
New beginnings and journeys.

I have released my fears as if letting loose
My pent up anguish.
I am not heartbroken, I am not pining.
I have moved on, I am not dreaming.

I have left the girl of a year ago.
She needed relationships in a way
That I do not.

It has taken a year maybe,
But I am ready.

To take the plunge.

Belated Thanksgiving spam!

You know Thanksgiving, that holiday that happened a month or so ago?

Yeah, well this year, I actually CELEBRATED it! However, the task of keeping Nail Spark* (My nail art subsidiary where I fangirl over nail polish and fabulous nail art designs) has kept me super busy, and creative updates on this site relatively slim. It’s difficult when you have so many great things going on at once – you lose trac of just how much you want to say because there is so much TO say. Back when I only used Controlled Derangement to talk about college life, it was easy updating regularly, even multiple times a day. Now, it’s not AS easy because there are so many different topics I blog about. I can’t fathom not blogging about any of these, because I need a venue to display and get feedback on my hobbies. The graphics, the creative writing, and the nail art. I want your opinion on it all!

This Thanksgiving, I spent the evening (and night. And morning) with my BEST BEST BEST FRIEND.
She’s my BBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBFL since 8th grade. A kindred soul if I ever had one (Anne of the Green Gables reference anyone?)

I got to have a proper Thanksgiving dinner at her home with her family, and then we spent the rest of the night…

Yeah, you guessed it.


Spent from 11PM till about 6:30AM at Roosevelt Field Mall. It was so so so so so great. We found a lot of good deals actually. I love the new boots I bought, and the teal jacket. So great.

Here’s some food spam from the Holiday dinner though – Enjoy it, in gallery form!