Catch UP!

Hey everybody!

I’m experimenting with moving Nail Spark* around again. Right now, I’m posting on a Blogger (nailsparks.blogspot.com) but I have no idea what will ultimately pan out. I can’t run two active blogs, I simply can’t. I’ve gotten so overwhelmed with the things I want to say that I end up shutting down and not posting anything at all, and that isn’t fair to the readers of either blog.

I’m going to go back to doing things my way then – slow and steady. The pact I made was that I would never apologize for not posting, because these blogs are like my personal diaries, and if I don’t have time to write in them, then I simply don’t have time and there’s nothing that can be done about it.

That’s fine for Controlled Derangement, which is my personal blog, but that’s not as okay when it comes time for Nail Sparks. A nail polish blogger is only as famous as her followers, and right now, I can’t say that I have too many. Nope, don’t have too many at all. And I want to gain more followers there, but just don’t have the time right now to post actively, blog, do my homework, study for LSAT’s, work, and maintain an internship. IDK what to do yo. There’s a lot on my plate right now.

These dilemmas aside, life is pretty good overall. I’m enjoying my time hanging out with friends, and sometimes, I catch myself with a goofy, silly grin on when reading texts from a certain person. It’s great and I’m happy and I’m all smiles when I’m thinking about that. But then there are times when the reality of my GPA sets in.

Let’s face it….At this time next year, I will know what the next three years of my future hold. I’ll know where I’ll go to law school and I REALLY, REALLY DON’T WANT TO END UP ON LONG ISLAND. I know St. Johns and Hofstra have great law programs – nothing against them at all – but I just don’t want to attend a law school which’ll make me commute from home. I don’t want to end up back home with no freedom after I’m finally 21 and when I’m ready to pursue a real, meaningful, lasting relationship. You can’t do those when you can’t stay out past 10 -.-

Minor details though, hm? Right now, there’s a lot of uncertainty and it’s taking me a while to accept that I don’t know what my future holds. I mean I know the far future – I AM going to be a lawyer. I really will. But the process of getting there…I have no idea how that’ll pan out and that is terrifying me!

I knew I wanted to be a lawyer fairly early in elementary school. I had a brief bout where I wanted to teach but my lack of patience made me abandon that idea fairly quickly. From 2nd or 3rd grade onwards, law is all that I’ve pursued.

I knew I wanted to go to NYU fairly early in high school. NYU was my dream, but I knew it was obtainable. I think I have the ability to step back and rationalize pretty easily when it comes to knowing my limitations. I applied to Princeton and Dartmouth but I knew I would be rejected. I knew I could get into NYU – I had the GPA, the AP scores, and the application. That isn’t arrogance, it’s just knowing where I stood in the application pool. And I did get in, and of course I didn’t get a full ride but I got enough to make that goal of mine a reality.

This is where I’m scaring myself. Right now, here’s the breakdown of what I really have to offer.

An overall GPA of 3.34
I don’t foresee it going up (by much) within the next two semesters, if at all.

Let’s face it. In HS I had a GPA of 4.0 and I still didn’t get into the Ivy’s. My SAT  score wasn’t phenomenal, but it was above average, and that’s probably the only reason I got the money I did for NYU. I also made it pretty clear that I would only attend if I had enough financial aid to make it possible, and that NYU was my dream school.

I came here three years ago all starry-eyed and full of dreams. Thought I’d do great since I’d picked the two majors I loved and a great minor to boot.

Now, here I am as a senior writing pretty bitterly about my love-hate affair with this school.

Do I love my NYU experience as a whole? Yeah, I do.

Would I have gone to another college if I had the choice? I think about it sometimes, and wonder why I didn’t apply to Emory or Loyola or Temple or even University of Michigan. Maybe that would have given me a different perspective, visiting these other colleges and comparing what I could have to what I already knew NYU was like. But overall, I don’t think I’m that unhappy that I wish I could take it back. NYU changed me for the better, and it has left me with too many priceless memories to count.

But if I could have foreseen my current situation (and unhappiness), I WOULD NEVER HAVE DECLARED A MAJOR IN POLITICS AT THIS UNIVERSITY. I should never have done that, and I have been regretting it since the day I took more classes than necessary and couldn’t justify dropping it down to a minor.

I’m now eight classes in at the end of this semester, out of the ten I need to take. I am also completely miserable.

I haven’t thoroughly enjoyed a single politics class at this university. The department has great, renowned professors who are undoubtedly great, charismatic people as well. But they simply cannot teach for shit.

The easy ones…it doesn’t matter, because the TA’s are the ones who grade, and an easygoing professor just means you’re going to do horrible on your papers because the TA will want more specificity than you were given during lectures.

Then there’s Power and Politics in America, quite possibly THE WORST CLASS I HAVE EVER TAKEN AT THIS UNIVERSITY. OR EVER. FROM THE PAST TO THE FUTURE, NOTHING WILL COMPARE TO THE MISERABLE WRETCH OF A SYLLABUS THIS CLASS PROVIDED.

I have a separate rant about that, and I should probably have mobilized my classmates and lodged a formal complaint within the Politics department but I was just so frustrated I didn’t want to deal with the Red Tape and the bureaucracy. So I’ll have my two cents on this here blog, and if somebody wants to tell me to kindly take it down and pursue the matter in private, I will gladly do so. It’s too late now, my grade is what it is and I have nothing left now but to be disappointed and disdainful that yet another politics class has failed me so cataclysmically. I’m starting to sense a pattern. This department SUCKS. Avoid. AVOIDDDDDDDD.

I think my misery is compounded by how glorious, helpful, caring, and GREAT the English department is, especially in comparison to the COMPLETELY CRAPPY Politics classes I’ve had to take.

But then I need to face the facts and realize that my writing skills are nowhere above average on the NYU Scale. Though I may have gotten A’s (or their equivalents) in HS, I’m never going to be an A student here. Everybody is better, and I’m stuck with the B+’s.

Well that isn’t helpful when you’re trying to build back up a GPA that’s been disastrously ruined by the choice of the wrong major.

So overall. I’ve fucked myself over and made the wrong decision, and realized it so late that I can’t take it back. I can only pray and hope that I’ll do well enough on my LSAT to counterbalance my low GPA. I’m sure it can be done, provided I have all the other things in the application package. The extracurriculars, leadership, etc. All of that can’t hurt, right?

So now you understand why I am SO, SO, SO stressed about the LSAT?

I don’t just want to score above a 170.

I need it!

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11 thoughts on “Catch UP!

  1. Hello,
    I just read your post during a short break of mine from work. I am very sympathetic to your circumstances; a person that is clearly driven and that is intelligent but the numbers do not equate. I was also reading your post on studying for the LSAT. Your anxieties are perfectly normal and reminded me of when I prepared for the LSAT. I studied for about a year and half, was prepared to take it at x-date, got ill two days before the exam, withdrew from the test, and had to wait out almost a year before I could take the exam again because of my illness. In the time I had off from prepping, getting back to prepping, and finally taking the exam, I faced several instances where I was ready to take the exam; somedays I felt ready to stick to whatever exam date I registered for and other days I realized that I can be sacrificing the one thing I’ve worked so hard for exempting my undergraduate grade point average. To clarify I had and still have hypothyroidism, however it became active at the time I was initially ready to take the exam. The symptoms may not seem debilitating, however they are and are extremely unpredictable. This may seem irrelevant to tell you, but I would be so sorry to hear that you took the LSAT exam and did not receive the score you worked so hard for. I cannot underscore enough how important it is to take your time and not rush taking this exam. It truly is not worth it. I would be more than happy to share with you the specifics of my having studied, how I studied, and taken the LSAT exam if you would like. I started at sub-par number and received a 178 score on the actual exam. Therefore, I know that it’s possible, with time and effort, that anyone can achieve, generally, what they set out for with this exam. As far as your GPA is concerned, it is decent. It is true that a school akin to HLS/YLS may not look at your application immediately, but school’s like Columbia and NYU may be more lenient if you were to write an addendum in your application (but stay away from a pity story or blame on a professor’s teaching), and demonstrate through internship, awards, honors, extracurriculars and letters of recommendations that you have the level of skill they seek, you may have a good shot at those schools, especially if you come from, what the LSAC classifies as, an underprivileged background. I truly wish you the best of luck in your ambitions, and again, if you want any kind of recommendation or advice, I would be more than happy to help you out!

  2. So I only read parts of this (sorry, I have a short attention span…) but this really emphasizes the fact that I think everyone should enter school undeclared. Also we really need better resources for kids to be able to know what different majors are like in college, and to know the inner secrets of schools before they attend. Overnight visits are good for that (although they usually only ask students to do that that they think will say positive things about the school). I also think high school students need better access to college level classes (offered to everyone), even if its only like a week long class or something… Hmm maybe it’s something I’ll work on when I’m a teacher. ha. Anyways, good luck with all your mid college crisis.

  3. As for 4.0 GPA in HS vs university, I’m going to repeat my theory that HS does not prepare you for college, and neither do the APs. They are not near university level. That is the reason why there is discrepancy. You are smart though that’s for sure! I just don’t think that HS was an analysis of anything, more wasted time than anything else. Extended years to study useless things that don’t apply to a realistic career and SAT/ACT studying…I wish the time spent was on something more productive such as studying languages or athleticism, at least that would prepare for military or overseas jobs.

  4. I’ve read this a couple of times already and every time my browser redirects me to the previous page for some reason. So I’m going to make this quick before I’m interrupted again. I think your GPA is decent actually, and you’ve got tons of experience, you’re competitive! Honestly don’t even worry about the LSAT at this point, it’s just do or die now. You’ll be fine. Try your best, and good luck, wishing you the best and hope you can get into your top schools! I just think you should apply to everything, even back up schools even if you won’t necessarily go, so don’t leave anything out just in case. And wherever you go you may be able to get an apartment as well, I mean, as a law student you’ll be spending a ton of time locked up and studying right? Specially when it’s time to face the bar demon.

    • Thank you!! That’s basically it – do or die. & I SHALL DO. Yeah I’ll be applying to a ton of schools. I’m seeing like 15 on the list already omg. Yep if I leave NY then I’ll definitely have an apartment. If I end up at Hofstra or Cardozo or something like that, which I’m hoping I won’t…then I’ll have to commute.

      • Where is Cordozo? I don’t think commuting is a good idea regardless because you will NEED your own place with that hefty amount of social/academics/intern/etc. You’ll probably barely be home.

  5. There is a lot of uncertainty in life and what you are going through right now is no different. I have faith that you will be a lawyer and that in time if you can boost your GPA, you will.

    Stress can be a catalyst for great things and it can also bring you down so keep your head up and keep doing what you have been doing because you have great grades. As for two blogs, as a man i prefer this one and I hope to see you update often especially during the month of April!

    • Of course you would prefer this one LOL! Although you should check out Nail Sparks every now and then just to admire the pretties. Or pretend that you do anyway!

      A 3.34 isn’t what I’d call great grades, but I’m hoping that the rest of my application will make up for it! Thank you so much for the words of encouragement though, they really help! It’s so fascinating to me that these blogs can bring strength and solidarity from all different parts of the world.

      Give me a moment to sound old, but back in the day, none of this would have ever been possible! It’s weird, but we’re the last generation of kids who can say that when they were young, computers and cell phones weren’t a commodity, and internet a luxury.

      Bahaha I feel a technology related post coming on.

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