The Rose K Lens

That’s what I need to find! I need theĀ Rose K Lens for Keratoconic patients. My specialist dude who I went to today says that for him to place an order, he will charge $200/lens. So that would be $400 for a pair. That is a lot of money for two very little lenses šŸ˜¦

I’ve taken matters into my hands, with ordering through my specialist as backup. I begged a prescription off of him after signing a waiver, and he told me I’m going to come running back to him in a day. I probably will, but until then, I want to give this a shot for myself.

I checked the ROSE K WEBSITE for local distrubutors, and he’s right….only one lab in New York distributes them. They shall get a call from me tomorrow. There’s another company in Pennsylvania so I might call them as well. I figure if I cut out the middleman, I should be able to get them cheaper than the $400 quote my specialist has given me!

Seee all of this is only an issue because my eye insurance doesn’t kick in until July 1st of this year. Unfortunately, I am quite literally living severely disabled/near blind until I can get these contacts and/or glasses (Although they don’t really help with any vision acuity, but something is better than nothing) and I don’t think I would be able to live another month. Not to mention I wanted to paticipate in Camp NaNoWriMo in June, and that will prove pretty hard to do if I cannot see and interact with my cabinmates and read their work and all. I don’t know what to say. Life sucks right now, it really does.

Look at this awesome diagram of a Rose K lens. That thing that looks totally like a nipple is supposed to represent a patient’s keratoconic eye. Remember, the cornea, rather than being smooth and round, is asymmetrical, bumpy, and conically shaped, with severely keratoconic patients having a cornea that visibly protrudes outwards. How icky right? Thankfully, mine is considered mild in the grand scheme of things! Thank god, or else I would have had to investigate some of the more invasive surgical procedures….those all have post-operation recovery times of 3-5 years šŸ˜¦ I’M TOO YOUNG!

 

Enlghtening. Scary. I need myself these lenses. Or at least one. For my left eye. AHHHHH.

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Having Eyesight Problems

Back in January, I managed to break my glasses šŸ˜¦ The frame ripped right in half down the nosepiece. My dad tried to fix it but the alignment was off and it didn’t really work. Thankfully, I had the hard contacts at home so I was able to continue to use those.

I have an eye condition – keratoconus – and hard contacts are the only way to correct my vision properly. Even the glasses cannot really fix things. My disorder isn’t in it’s advanced stages or anything….it’s still very mild, but nobody really knows how this disorder progresses. I know it is degenerative, but some patients with the condition have it very mild and it stabilizes and doesn’t get worse all their life. Others who have it find that it degenerates the cornea much more rapidly and continuously, never stabilizing.

My eyesight stopped changing much at around 11th grade, so my eye doctor has reason to believe that my keratoconus also stopped progressing at around that time. Hopefully, it will stay at this level where it is manageable by the use of hard contacts to correct the cornea’s irregularity. If it gets worse, the only way (so far) to fix it seems to be a corneal transplant or a lensticula surgery. I don’t know what to do šŸ˜¦ It scares me to talk about it. This is the most open I’ve been on my blog about the whole issue, in fact.

So that little tangent aside, I was diagnosed with keratoconus my freshman year of college. At that time, my parents had great eye insurance and I was able to get fitted for and order a pair of hard contact lenses for free. They are considered medically necessary for somebody with my condition in most insurance policies I believe.

The problem with hard contacts – they need a lot of getting used to. I was given them freshman year and while it felt like I could see the world again properly…for the first time..when I wore them, they were so uncomfortable and painful that I couldn’t even wear them for more than half an hour. I was told I would build up a tolerance to them and get used to them, even, but when I had the option of glasses, I never really bothered getting used to the contacts. They were a pain, took me forever to put on, and I couldn’t even keep them on for the duration of one of my classes. As a freshman, I was lazy and didn’t want to deal with the hassle. They just lay around at home, unused.

Skip to this year, 2012, and I am a first semester senior. Broke my glasses, as I said, and I remembered that pair of hard contacts lying around. Classes started soon and even if I paid for and ordered a new pair of glasses, it would take a week. I forced myself to adapt to the contacts. Our family doesn’t have eye insurance right now, we’re going through a tough time. No dental either, or even just normal health insurance I don’t think. My mom is between jobs and my dad’s office doesn’t cover it. It only offers life insurance.

So family problems, financial problems, vision problems. I thought parents aren’t supposed to burden their child with this kind of stuff. Well nobody toldĀ myĀ parents this because I know everything and it stresses me out like no other.

I told my mom not to bother getting a backup pair – they would be too costly without any sort of plan…close to $300 or so even if I get the cheapest of the cheap frames.

Last night, one of my contacts fell out while I was dancing at a party. I don’t know what to do…obviously, it was impossible to find. I was out, there were lots of people, I’m sure it got crushed by the time I bent down to start looking for it. No use. I ran to the bathroom in the hope that it just came off my iris and I could push it back into position, but I would have felt it in some other corner of my eye and I couldn’t feel it. I double-checked in the mirror and rolled my eyeballs round in the most extreme angles. No luck. No little contact.

So now I’m even more fucked. No contacts, no glasses. I’m blind.

BLIND.

That’s what it feels like anyway. I can’t see what I’m typing right now; I’m only typing because thankfully, they teach us how to memorize the keys on the keyboard and now, typing is second nature and I don’t need to look at keys to know what I’m doing.

New glasses will cost ~$300, like I said.

New contacts with fittings and all…they will cost me $500+

Just a visit to the specialist without any eye insurance that would handle a co-pay is $165. So add that to the cost of the contacts, and imagine if it requires more than one visit to get fitted properly.

I’ve just cost my parents another $1000. I feel like such a failure right now šŸ˜¦

I’ll probably be posting less frequently on my blog while I figure everything out. At this point, I don’t see…being able to see (lol pun)…for at least another week, assuming I can go to an eye doctor tomorrow or Monday and order glasses. Or talk to the specialist and see how much it will cost to re-order the hard contacts.

Rigid gas permeable lenses, if maintained properly, last you 2-3 years. Possibly more. I had mine since sometime in late 2009/early 2010, but didn’t wear them regularly until just this year, so I’m assuming that their life expectancy should be until sometime in lateĀ 2013..? I don’t know. I don’t know what to do! šŸ˜¦

– Pryanka

Angry Rampage

Hi everybody!

I forget that I have more followers reading my blog, and I don’t want anybody to get the wrong impression, so I wanted to clarify a few things šŸ˜€

My blog is random, and very, very representative of how I am feeling at the moment. If I am happy, I write happy poetry. If I’m excited about something, I blog about it incessantly. So right now, I’m dealing with some issues such as coming to terms with needing to really pull myself together to ace the LSAT as well as move back home out of my apartment. I know it’s not really a big deal, but my ideology is extremely rebellious, in constant opposition to my parents, and that means that as each and every semester winds down, I find myself more and more sad at the prospect of going home.

I love my parents, I really do. I understand where they’re coming from.

I just don’t agree with them and I hate the extreme limitations I have when I live in Long Island under their roof. I can’t go out, I can’t stay out late, I can’t wear certain things, I’m expected to help out around the house, and on top of that, my parents are constantly reminding me to study and do my work and get good grades and blah blah blah blah blah.

It just really builds up. I don’t want to leave and go back home, but of course, this Monday, that’s exactly what I’m going to have to do. We’ll see how it goes.

But the point ofĀ thisĀ particular post was just to tell you guys…bear with me. I’m fine, really. This blog is just how I vent my angry thoughts so I don’t end up in yelling contests with my parents. They always win anyway. So I come to my blog and I say and angry things so I can maintain my external cool.

This is the inner turmoul but really, on the whole, I’m fine. This is how I purge. All the sad thoughts come out and stay here and I am left as the ever-effervescent Pryanka I would like to be.

Everybody needs somewhere where they can let down their shields. I believe that, and this blog is where I come to bare my soul, unashamed and unafraid of judgment.

Thank you all for reading.

ā¤

Much love,
Pryanka

Romance Novels

I’m tired of all the people falling in love. Do something else for a chance šŸ˜¦

What infuriates me more is stories like this:

“But when the husband Cammy adores asks for a divorce, sheā€™s devastated; the last thing she wants to do is leave the safety and solitude of her home. Her well-meaning friends, however, have something else in mind. Hoping to distract her from her grief, they convince Cammy to go with them on a week-long retreat to St. Gabriel. Cammy grudgingly agrees, but finds herself immediately drawn to the island and an abandoned lodge in a way that opens up the possibilities of a new life, new loves and finding her way home.”

 

I mean it’s already annoying enough that she’s had a 20+ year long content but boring marriage, now she’s supposed to get divorced and find love right away again while she’s on an island for a week?Ā I mean, really?

You know what, in reality, that doesn’t happen. You’re lucky enough if you find one person you can marry. You don’t get divorced and get the soulmate 6 days later. It isn’t supposed to work that way. It’s unfair that all these stupid cheesy unrealistic romance novels make “LOVE” this allmighty thing that just strikes people dumb in the face. It’s supposed to be gradual and based on understanding and it has its issues too. Not this stupid “I looked into his eyes and melted into his gaze” bullshit.

GAZES DON’T MELT PEOPLE. GET OVER IT.

Romance novels suck.

Pressure

I’m trying to visit law schools this summer, because I know that realistically speaking, it is highly unlikely that I get into a good law school in New York State. Mainly because NYS only has 3 really good law schools – Columbia, NYU, and Cornell – and they rank #3, 6, and 14 respectively. So I don’t think it’s wrong to consider my other options, spend time with friends, and also explore other colleges.

It’s just very frustrating that every time I bring up the subject of….my plans after graduation, my parent’s just take it for granted that I’m going to get into and attend NYU Law School. My dad tells me “Oh you told us that NYU had a 6 year program, that’s why we let you go” and time after time, I remind him that I said absolutely NO such thing. And he’s just rubbing it against me every time and he’s like, “Oh you’re so unreliable”

My mom’s concerns are pretty standard – she doesn’t want me to leave New York because she doesn’t think I’ll be able to survive out there in the big, bad, world. I mean one of her arguments is actually, “How are we supposed to move you in?”

PEOPLE ATTEND COLLEGE FROM OTHER STATES. WHAT THE FUCK KIND OF ARGUMENT IS THAT? A WEAK AND FLAWED ONE. I CAN TAKE CARE OF MYSELF, PACK A SUITCASE, AND GO TO SCHOOL. Other people do it. I’m a big girl.

She doesn’t get that.

As long as I stay within New York, she’s content feeding me bullshit about trust and freedom, but I don’t really have any freedom at all. The second I mention going somewhere else, she just shuts me off completely and feeds me one bullshit excuse after the next on why it’s an impossible idea. Not a bad one, but an impossible one. Completely dismisses me and just flat out says “NO” and stops listening. How am I supposed to reason with that?

I want to visit law schools this summer. I want to get out of New York for law school, and I want to travel regardless of where I end up going for law school. I want to spend this summer as far away from “home” as possible because I hate living at home for extended periods of time. I’ve hated it since about 10th grade. I’m sure I hurt their feelings when I so vehemently told them that I couldn’t wait to go to college, but the oppressive atmosphere at home is just really too much. I have to abide by their rules, and their rules are so old-fashioned and, as I said, oppressive..

It just makes me want to cry when they listen to me so dismissively. They refuse to acknowledge any alternate possibilities and I know that their dream reality is…probably never going to come true. So how am I going to live at home through the disappointment and pity Ā and anger on their faces when I don’t get in?

She actually had the nerve to throw Hofstra law at my face. Yeah well I’m not doing it. If that’s where I end up, I might as well abandon my plan of becoming a lawyer right now. I can’t end up there, I have to do well on the LSAT and escape. I just have to.

Pressure – Written in anger, unedited, probably complete crap but…words I had to get out of my chest.

There’s so much pressure
Pressure from my home, my family,
Their expectations are a crushing weight and
I’m just struggling to stay afloat.
They know I can do it,
BUT WHAT IF I CAN’T?

I’m smart, I just have to study hard.
Well fine, but it isn’t THEM that’s putting in the hours.
It’s me, AND WHAT IF IT ISN’T ENOUGH?

Where’s your optimism?
Have a little faith in yourself.
They say.

And my family’s expectations,
those heavy, heavy expectations,
loom above me like a challenge and
I’m foolishly standing under their shaky chandelier.

As if I don’t know that I need to study.
I do. I KNOW.
But they aren’t the ones studying,
They don’t know how hard it is, and most of all,
They aren’t the ones with all those expectations of success.

Motivation, stamina, perseverence, endurance.
Just suck it up and study,
They say.

Well that’s fine, but what if studying isn’t all I need?
I need recommendations and I need a good GPA
And guess what, I’m not as smart as they think I am,
Because I don’t even have a good GPA.

It’s just difficult, every time I speak to my mother and
Hear her talk about attending NYU Law. In her perfect
little dream world with all the stupid statistics
That don’t mean a THING. But no, in her world, they mean
That I’m going to NYU Law.

That’s ranked #5 in the nation. Maybe 6.
Either way, that’s a hell of a small number,
When I consider how many law schools there are in this nation.
How am I supposed to get into #5?

What am I, really?
I enjoy graphic design.
I write.
I read. A lot.
I express myself in poetry and
Sometimes in prose.
I have brown eyes.

I am short, not thin,
I’m not always funny, I’m sort of awkward.
Bossy.

Not girlfriend material,
I’ve been told time and time again.

I’m just upset and sad and
Under a lot of that pressure to
Do better than I think I can and
Try not to fail everybody in my family.

They just think we’re naturally good at it,
But I know I’ve slacked. I could have done better,
But let’s face it. I came to college and for the first time,
I wasn’t on par with everybody else.
PEOPLE WERE JUST BETTER THAN ME even when they weren’t trying.

How am I supposed to beat them and get their spot
In NYU Law, when they have gotten better grades than I
Every single step of the way.

This is stupid,
Who do I really think I am?
How am I supposed to achieve my goals
When my family is setting them for me,
Much higher than they should be
And I’m floundering and they don’t understand
And I can’t speak to them about it because
They just don’t understand and…

And they think that I’m throwing it all away.
If I just studied a little harder, spent a little less time with friends.

And that’s fine, I could have done that. It wouldn’t have changed my grades,
My papers would still be the same.
But I’m still just a B+ student
And a B+ doesn’t get you into NYU Law.

I just wish my parents could see.

The Fantasy 100

I found the booklist I mentioned in my earlier post!

Here it is, a compilation of 100 of the best books (that spawned series, mostly) in the fantasy genre as of May 2012!
Rank
Author/Editor
Title
Year

1
J R R Tolkien
Lord of the Rings
1954

2
J K Rowling
Harry PotterĀ Series
1997

3
J R R Tolkien
The Hobbit
1937

4
George R R Martin
A Song of Ice & Fire
1996

5
Robert Jordan
Wheel of TimeĀ Series
1990

6
C S Lewis
The Lion, the Witch & the Wardrobe [S2]
1950

7
David Eddings
The BelgariadĀ Series
1982

8
Terry Goodkind
Wizard's First Rule [S1]
1994

9
Raymond E Feist
Magician [S1]
1982

10
Christopher Paolini
Eragon [S1]
2002

11
Philip Pullman
His Dark MaterialsĀ Trilogy
1995

12
Terry Brooks
The Sword of Shannara [S1]
 
1977

13
Robin Hobb
The Farseer Trilogy
1995

14
R A Salvatore
Dark Elf Trilogy
1990

15
Ursula K Le Guin
A Wizard of Earthsea [S1]
1968

16
J R R Tolkien
The Silmarillion
1977

17
Stephen King
The Dark TowerĀ Series
1982

18
Weis & Hickman
Dragonlance Chronicles
1984

19
Roger Zelazny
The Chronicles of Amber
1970

20
Lewis Carroll
Alice's Adventures In Wonderland
1865

21
Richard Adams
Watership Down
1972

22
Stephen Donaldson
Thomas Covenant - The Unbeliever
1977

23
Neil Gaiman
American Gods
2001

24
William Goldman
The Princess Bride
1973

25
Eoin Colfer
Artemis Fowl
2001

26
Stephenie Meyer
Twilight
2005

27
Anne Rice
Interview With the Vampire
1976

28
Madeleine L'Engle
A Wrinkle In Time
1962

29
Terry Pratchett
The Colour of Magic [S1]
1983

30
Patrick Rothfuss
The Name of the Wind [S1]
2007

31
Roald Dahl
Charlie & the Chocolate Factory
1964

32
David Eddings
The Malloreon
1987

33
George Orwell
Animal Farm
1945

34
Anne McCaffrey
Dragonflight [S1]
1968

35
Bram Stoker
Dracula
1897

36
Tad Williams
Memory, Sorrow & ThornĀ Series
1988

37
Marion Zimmer Bradley
The Mists Of Avalon
1983

38
Gaiman & Pratchett
Good Omens
1990

39
Steven Erikson
Gardens of the Moon [S1]
1999

40
Neil Gaiman
Neverwhere
1997

41
Garth Nix
Sabriel [S1]
1995

42
William Golding
The Lord Of the Flies
1954

43
Brian Jacques
Redwall [S1]
1986

44
Homer
The Odyssey
-800

45
Terry Pratchett
Mort [S4]
1987

46
Piers Anthony
On a Pale Horse [S1]
1983

47
Cornelia Funke
Inkheart
2003

48
T H White
The Once & Future King
1958

49
Michael Ende
The Neverending Story
1979

50
Lloyd Alexander
The Chronicles of Prydain
1964

51
Tamora Pierce
Alanna: The First Adventure
1983

52
Mary Shelley
Frankenstein
1818

53
Unknown Author
Beowulf
700

54
Gail Carson Levine
Ella Enchanted
1997

55
Weis & Hickman
Death Gate Cycle
1990

56
William Shakespeare
A Midsummer Night's Dream
1600

57
Michael Moorcock
Elric of MelniboneĀ Series
1972

58
Anthony Burgess
A Clockwork Orange
1962

59
C S Lewis
The Screwtape Letters
1942

60
Guy Gavriel Kay
Tigana
1990

61
David Eddings
The Elenium
1989

62
David Gemmell
Legend [S1]
1984

63
Jonathan Stroud
The Amulet of Samarkand [S1]
2003

64
Paulo Coelho
The Alchemist
1995

65
Jim Butcher
Storm Front [S1]
2000

66
Oscar Wilde
The Picture of Dorian Gray
1891

67
Susanna Clarke
Jonathan Strange & Mr Norrell
2004

68
Peter S Beagle
The Last Unicorn
1968

69
Glen Cook
The Black Company [S1]
1984

70
Audrey Niffenegger
The Time Traveler's Wife
2003

71
Susan Cooper
The Dark Is Rising [S1]
1973

72
Jacqueline Carey
Kushiel's Dart [S1]
2001

73
Richard Matheson
I Am Legend
1954

74
Moore & Gibbons
Watchmen
1987

75
Charles Dickens
A Christmas Carol
1843

76
Trudi Canavan
The Magician's Guild [S1]
2001

77
Diana Wynne Jones
Howl's Moving Castle
1986

78
Mitch Albom
The Five People You Meet in Heaven
2003

79
The Brothers Grimm
Brothers Grimm Fairy Tales
1812

80
Dr Seuss
The Cat in the Hat
1957

81
Frank Miller
Batman - The Dark Knight Returns
1986

82
L Frank Baum
The Wonderful Wizard Of Oz
1900

83
Ray Bradbury
Something Wicked This Way Comes
1962

84
Norton Juster
The Phantom Tollbooth
1961

85
Laurell K Hamilton
Guilty Pleasures [S1]
1993

86
Diana Gabaldon
Outlander [S1]
1992

87
Antoine de Saint-Exupery
The Little Prince
1943

88
Gabriel Garcia Marquez
One Hundred Years of Solitude
1967

89
Dante Alighieri
Inferno
1321

90
Mercedes Lackey
Magic's Pawn [S1]
1989

91
Yann Martel
Life of Pi
2001

92
China Mieville
Perdido Street Station
2000

93
Anne Bishop
Daughter of the Blood [S1]
1998

94
Gene Wolfe
Book of the New Sun
1980

95
Patricia C Wrede
Dealing With Dragons [S1]
1990

96
Robert E Howard
[C] Coming Of Conan the Cimmerian
1933

97
Alice Sebold
The Lovely Bones
2002

98
Brandon Sanderson
MistbornĀ Trilogy
2006

99
Franz Kafka
The Metamorphosis
1915

100
Orson Scott Card
Seventh Son [S1]
1987

 

THE LIST IS PULLED FROM THE FANTASY100 WEBSITE, FOUND BY CLICKING HERE!

Now I have the list to reference, time to pick a new series to read šŸ™‚

I have tried AND FAILED to read the Song of Ice & Fire series and also the Redwall novels. Never have I hated a series so much that I didn’t finish but those two…those two bored me to death. And I think I’ve read the first half of the first book of the Song of Ice and Fire series like 6 times. Never finished reading. So pathetic, isn’t it?

Brief Glimmer of Ecstasy

On a whim, I sent a friend a message. We haven’t spoken since just after my 20th birthday and it was killing me not to speak to him. I spoke to him every single day. EVERY. SINGLE. FREAKIN. DAY.

For years. For hours. All night. All day, all night.

He was the best friend I hadĀ that I had never met.

Yeah, we met online. On a forum. And on the night of his 18th birthday, he was upset at his friends for being lame and not celebrating with him, and on a whim, I sent him a happy birthday message on MSN. We chatted for hours, and an amazing friendship was born.

I’m not going to lie, I was attracted to him. But after he rejected my advances and staunchly maintained that it was friends or nothing, I admired him all the more for it. For helping me keep my dignity in a moment I wanted to let it slip, and I considered him to be the greatest person ever.

So how do you cope with losing a person like that? Over a stupid (REALLY STUPID) argument? I feel like such an overdramatic drama queen when I think back to it. So what if he said hurtful things to me? I said hurtful things to him too. And as my parents have taught me, you fight with those who you love and care about because well…you love and care about them enough to speak your mind.

It happened last August. I’m so mad I didn’t speak to him sooner, and I’m sad he didn’t speak to me sooner.

But again, on a whim, I sent him a freakinĀ NEOMAIL.

And.

AND

HE

RESPONDED.

My heart stopped beating when I saw the new message icon thing above the top navigation. I held in my breath and waited to see who it was from, and it was fromĀ him. The friend I thought I lost.

I tried to play it cool, but I just had to know. I had to know if he missed me, if he ever thought of him like I did ALL THE Ā TIME.

I asked him: “OUT OF CURIOSITY, did you ever miss me? I felt pretty foolish after the outburst but I didn’t know what to do to fix it.”

He said: “Yeah ><.

And to be honest, I kinda did. I felt pretty much the same, and Nabila asked if I wanted her help. I would’ve done it however I wanted things to settle down a bit – in case something like right now would happen (which it did)”

Nubsy, why didn’t you tell me you spoke to him about this? Just knowing that he had cared to speak about it after our fight would have meant so much at a time when I was so upset and hurt that he didn’t care about me. I know I develop strong affection for the friends I’ve made online, because they are, to me, true friends just as much as my “IRL” friends are, but I felt heartbroken when he gave up on our years of close friendship so quickly. I thought it was because he never considered me a real friend. Was I wrong all these months?

And then I said that I was sorry.

And he. He said…

He said: “I’m sorry too”

And my heart just broke down all over again in a good way. I have learned that it is, indeed, possible to cry while wearing contacts. It probably deposits mad proteins on them, but whatever.

I cried because I was happy to speak to him again and I cried because he said I’m sorry.

I cried because we missed a whole year of each other’s lives over our stupid bruised egos, and I cried because if I had messaged him months ago, we wouldn’t have been apart this long.

I don’t really know what to say except that I’m really and truly upset at how everything went. I don’t know if you guys can relate, but we used to speak for HOURS.

We were so comfortable that it was routine for me to sign onto Skype when I got home from school (back in HS) or back to my dorm (in college) and turn on Skype. If he was on, whoever saw the other sign on would video call.

And then we would go about our lives with Skype on. Making comments here and there while studying or doing our homework and talking while taking breaks. Leaving it on when we stepped away to eat or shower. Not really turning it off or ending the call until we were going to bed for the night. Pretty much every day.

He was comfort. He was there and we never had to say anything; just having Skype on was enough. He was my best study buddy. He does graphic design, he was my best critic. I know graphic design, we worked on things together.

He made a lion for me as a gift once. Vectored it in Illustrator from scratch, look! It was beautiful.

Oh gosh, can you tell how much I missed him?

It’s because I’m a Leo. And a tough, stubborn little lioness in my own way. I loved him, really really did.

As a friend, of course, but I loved him, so when we stopped speaking, my heart really did break.

But today. Today things are on their way to changing. For better or for worse, I’m about to find out.

And of course, I will let you know.