Rising out of the sadness

I’m HAPPY! I’m happy I’m happy I’m happyyyy.

That doesn’t sound like a very happy song, right? In fact…it’s a very, very sad one. But I want to focus on the part of the song where he’s so earnestly trying to fix you.

It’s that part where you know that no matter how down you are, somebody is there to lift you. I’m feeling lifted right now. I’m feeling happier than I have felt in weeks.

It’s the first time since I started writing Controlled Derangement that I haven’t been able to write about my sadness. Maybe I didn’t want to make you guys too scared of all my angsty poetry πŸ˜‰ I’m not sure why I hid from my own blog. I promised myself never to apologize for anything I wrote. And for when I didn’t write, so this is not an apology. Just an acknowledgment that I avoided writing about sadness and I avoided talking about it with my closest friends too.

But, like I said, lately, I’m feeling a lot happier. Not because I “talked about it” or anything, BUT because I’ve found somebody that lifts my spirits. A voice that makes me happy. Even when we’re talking about completely nonsensical things.

I finally feel like I can conquer all things again, and honestly, ever since I got my less-than-expected LSAT score, I haven’t felt that way. I really haven’t. And as much as I know I have friends I can talk to, I just don’t want to talk about it.

I’m rambling again, aren’t I? I do that a lot here. I do that a lot in real life too – just talk and talk and talk. You sorta get used to it πŸ˜‰

I guess what I am trying to say is, just listen to this song. And watch this video now.

I’m happy. Because having somebody paying me just a little bit of attention has revived my confidence a lot more than any amount of pep talks can.

Do you know I should have submitted applications to law school back in November? I SHOULD HAVE. Right after I got my October LSAT score.

Instead I’ve been SO demotivated that I did nothing. And now it’s nearly January. I know deadlines are rolling, but if I’m going to go to law school in September (And I will), then I need to get off my whiney ass and just apply.

Reality check? I mean c’mon, I have wanted to be a lawyer SINCE I WAS IN FIRST GRADE. Legit. Since then. My goal never wavered. I loved it. I’ve interned, I’ve worked in firms, I’ve done all the work a paralegal does. I WANT THIS. It was getting a little hard to remind myself of that for a while, but I remember again.

I will conquer all things.

Advertisements

Ruminations

She was never a believer of Christmas spirit. Couldn’t understand why it gave people more courage to romance, propose, or flirt. Didn’t really believe the magic of true love overcoming the odds and ending with true love’s kiss by a warm fireplace.

Why did Christmas give people an excuse? It was just a weird psychological sense of security. It had to be. And it was a security blanket she never felt.

She was a little bit peeved by the idea of romance and true love, truth be told. It was annoying how the holiday season was an aphrodisiac to the couples around her.

Perhaps because she had always been alone on Christmas – plenty of family, but never a boyfriend. The only man she had dated broke up with her on January 1st, but he’d been away after the college semester ended a week and a half before. So that Christmas was a weird one as she looked back at how the holidays had unfolded. It was the only year she wasn’t single, but it had failed her too.

She was over him. She has been for a long time. He is not the reason for this story, but the timing was worth a mention if you want to understand why she felt so jaded by the holidays. You don’t even want to get her started on Valentine’s Day. To sum that rant up – it is just another holiday for which she has never had a date.

So now, this girl who doesn’t believe in the pure power of the Christmas spirit finds herself wondering, this season, if next year will be the year. She’s not looking for love – she won’t jump ahead of herself. She’s a practical girl, she knows she’s got at least three more years of schooling ahead.

But she wants something.

A spark the next time she is lucky enough to be kissed. Somebody who will stay by her side. She is still trying to accept that though chubby or curvy, she is not fat. She should not feel fat, and let her self-esteem get in the way. She knows she’s better than that. Has enough confidence in her body despite the resolution to slim it down next year.

She’s the one sitting here early in the morning thinking about Christmas dreams and romances and being kissed. The one who is a giggling wreck when she receives some attention, and needs to learn to temper her heart lest it crumble away a little more.

She’s an excitable one because even though she doesn’t believe in Christmas miracles, she feels like she is living one right now, and it will end as a bittersweet dream that she can’t experience again.

She is nervous and her mind flashes back to the unkind things she has heard about herself growing up. Incredulous and skeptical of her luck.

She’s also being rather cryptic and vague, but all that can be attributed to the time.

Thank you for following!

Hi everybodyyy.
This semester has been sparse, as far as posting on the blog goes. I hope that when I look back, I’ll realize it is because I was so much busier in my reality, trying to do things just one more time with friends before graduation.

This week, at some point (WordPress won’t tell me when!), I got my 100th follower!!

That’s amazing news. That’s just ridiculous.

This blog’s purpose has never been to reach out to an audience – I made it before I started college to communicate with an amazing friend, Nabila, and she is still completely committed to stalking my blog multiple times a day, as you can read from her comment on my last post.

That was all I intendedΒ when i made this blog. I wanted to tell her what I did at NYU and I wanted her to write on her blog about her college experience as well – first at St. Johns and then at SUNY Buffalo.

But somehow, somewhere along the way, I made some other amazing blogger friends, discovered people who really took initiative with their blogs, participated in blogger challenges, and gained 100 followers.

I am truly honored and blessed to have you guys here to read my ramblings and occasionally comment with advice when life is starting to sound too tough.

I’ve shared my highs, ranted about my lows. I’ve bitched and moaned, written sappy letters to myself, and all sorts of creative but crazy things in between. And in all these years, having people read my blog has helped me infinitely.

So even though it hadn’t been my intent to share this diary with the world, that’s what happened, and I’m okay with it.

I just wanted to self-celebrate, once more, that I’ve got so many followers subscribed to my blog πŸ˜€ NOW IF MORE OF YOU COULD COMMENT…. ❀

Merry Christmas!

Christmas, my child, is love in action. Every time we love, every time we give, it’s Christmas. – Dale Evans

 

Merry Christmas everybody! That quote sums up how I feel about the holiday – it is all about the giving, not the taking. It is about sharing with family and spending time with loved ones. I hope you all got to do that this evening!

Dear Pryanka,

You scheduled this post to appear on this blog one year later. In the middle of the night, December 23, 2012.

First of all, this is proof – the world did not end. You’re still alive. You’re still strong, and you’re probably still stubborn as hell. I don’t see one year changing that much. You wrote this a year ago, in the dark, just a little bit disillusioned. You were procrastinating – didn’t want to start cleaning your room just yet.

Here’s what I have to say to you about college. Hopefully…you’re just about done. I hope Spring 2012 worked out for you. I hope, from the bottom of my heart. Financial Aid at NYU has sucked. It has been a PAIN in your ass since you first started college. I would even go as far as to say that it has ruined the NYU experience for you

I can probably also say with confidence that one year from now, as 2012 comes to a close, that you probably still absolutely despise the Financial Aid system. You’re probably still battling some sort of issue that popped up from sophomore year. Oh god, I hope you aren’t really. I would be so pissed.

I am most curious though. You single? You still blogging? Still best friends with your best friends?

Jessica? Melissa? Nabila? Carolyn, Misha, Sara? Tommy, even Elvin? Christine? How is everybody, I’m dying to know. Who are the new people in your life?

Will you miss the SRC? Will you miss NYU? What’s the deal with law school? Is nail art still a thing?

So much can change in a year. The last time I wrote a letter to myself, I wrote a mushy pep talk right bfore college started. In it, I told myself how lucky I was to have met somebody like Kashyap. How, after just being at college for a few days, you were a new person. Or perhaps, you were emerging from your shell into the person you now are. The girl who doesn’t mind flirting. She’s experienced and intelligent. Not a genius, but she knows how to make do. She’s passionate and still believes in small things. She photoshops and writes poetry when she’s upset. Hell, she writes letters to herself when she’s upset.

I’m not going to fill this letter with names. We saw how badly that ended with Kashyap. Sometimes, what you think will be a strong friendship fizzles out so suddenly or so heartbreakingly (Kirti, coughcoughugh) that writing about it in a letter is just useless. Just let what happens happen, and understand that you are not meant to be friends with everybody you meet. I just hope that you’ve hung on to the people who are worth it.

I know you miss them though. Dan, Kirti, James. How does it feel a year later? Any better? Easier to accept that people can just decide you aren’t worth it? I’m sure you can tell that I’m still bitter about it, but I hope you’re able to look past that and realize they aren’t worth your time, if they are going to be so fickle. People change, and friendship is supposed to ADAPT to that. You don’t end it because somebody has changed. That is the most LAME excuse ever. That’s what Beverly did to you. What James did. And in the end, they are the ones not worth it. The ones that stick by you, help you get through the bad times. Love and cherish them.

In fact, give them a hug. Blame the letter.

Good luck. Life isn’t going to get easier. You just need to get stronger, all the time.

– Pryanka

Food Craving: Cheesecake

I am craving cheesecake!!! 😦 

I periodically crave this….and it bothers me sooo much until I get some. I bet when I get pregnant, I’m either going to crave it at ungodly hours or it’ll begin to taste and smell disgusting. Oh please, don’t make cheesecake disgusting, I love it so…

I’m procrastinating on this paper like anything. Like it’s supposed to be 20 pages and I have 1 written. Maybe. FML I need to stop procrastinating and at least outline this before dinner. And try to get a few pages done tonight.

I have found that it’s hardest for me to get a paper started…once I start, I am good.

Because music helps

Not sure if any of you appreciate the random music I post, but I know I like to keep track of what I’m loving πŸ˜€

Check out what I’m obsessing over this month…these are the songs that are keeping me going through finals, seriously. I’m weird in that this kinda music pumps me up and gets my paper writing flow going!

If any of you use Spotify, these are all in my December 2012 Playlist πŸ™‚ Not sure how the people feature works, but I’m signed up under my name (Pryanka Arora) and email address blishful@gmail.com

Back to my paper for now…peace ❀

xoxo