She was never a believer of Christmas spirit. Couldn’t understand why it gave people more courage to romance, propose, or flirt. Didn’t really believe the magic of true love overcoming the odds and ending with true love’s kiss by a warm fireplace.

Why did Christmas give people an excuse? It was just a weird psychological sense of security. It had to be. And it was a security blanket she never felt.

She was a little bit peeved by the idea of romance and true love, truth be told. It was annoying how the holiday season was an aphrodisiac to the couples around her.

Perhaps because she had always been alone on Christmas – plenty of family, but never a boyfriend. The only man she had dated broke up with her on January 1st, but he’d been away after the college semester ended a week and a half before. So that Christmas was a weird one as she looked back at how the holidays had unfolded. It was the only year she wasn’t single, but it had failed her too.

She was over him. She has been for a long time. He is not the reason for this story, but the timing was worth a mention if you want to understand why she felt so jaded by the holidays. You don’t even want to get her started on Valentine’s Day. To sum that rant up – it is just another holiday for which she has never had a date.

So now, this girl who doesn’t believe in the pure power of the Christmas spirit finds herself wondering, this season, if next year will be the year. She’s not looking for love – she won’t jump ahead of herself. She’s a practical girl, she knows she’s got at least three more years of schooling ahead.

But she wants something.

A spark the next time she is lucky enough to be kissed. Somebody who will stay by her side. She is still trying to accept that though chubby or curvy, she is not fat. She should not feel fat, and let her self-esteem get in the way. She knows she’s better than that. Has enough confidence in her body despite the resolution to slim it down next year.

She’s the one sitting here early in the morning thinking about Christmas dreams and romances and being kissed. The one who is a giggling wreck when she receives some attention, and needs to learn to temper her heart lest it crumble away a little more.

She’s an excitable one because even though she doesn’t believe in Christmas miracles, she feels like she is living one right now, and it will end as a bittersweet dream that she can’t experience again.

She is nervous and her mind flashes back to the unkind things she has heard about herself growing up. Incredulous and skeptical of her luck.

She’s also being rather cryptic and vague, but all that can be attributed to the time.


4 thoughts on “Ruminations

  1. That’s an interesting way to think of Christmas, I honestly never thought of it like that. Then again I’m just in love with holidays xD Nicely written~

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