When your crush starts dating somebody else

ISN’T THAT JUST AWKWARD?

The guy I had a crush on for ALL OF HIGH SCHOOL (I mean all of it…started right in that mandatory 7th grade art class and continued till my freshman year of college ended…my god it was pathetic) is now in a relationship. With somebody else.

Okay well since I know at some point he had the address to this blog (Let’s get real, he probably hasn’t been on it in years), I’ll keep personal details to a minimum. Those of my readers who know me ‘in real life’ already know who I’m talking about 😛 And for the rest of you, consider it a general rant!

So yes, he started dating this girl a week ago (I think this is his first…he was all sorts of shy and anti-social with self-esteem issues in HS BUT I tried to be there for him through it all. We were friends and things sort of progressed towards dating the summer after high school ended but he freaked out and disappeared on me for months and well…yeah)

So he has a Facebook now too. He never had one then BAM he starts dating some pretty slim white chick and the same day they start dating, he joins FB. And shows up in my suggested friends list. He’s all hot[ter] now (He lost a lot of weight. Not like that ever bothered me..) and in a relationship.

I’m happy for him 🙂 I hope this chick treats him right, because I know he’s such a sweetheart and he’s so nice and caring and compassionate. I assume that with the weight loss came a much needed boost of confidence and self-esteem, and that time has healed the impact of some of the terrible things he’s endured. 

I don’t know. Part of me is sort of wistful because I liked him for so long, you know? But for the most part, I stopped pining away years ago and got a grip on myself (I mean really, as if a white guy would ever date me). So most of me is just happy that things are going right for him and he’s got somebody to talk to about it all! It’s still weird to know that he’s in a relationship. I mean, really? Him? 

It’s like seeing all those awkward nerdy people from HS at your 10-year reunion (Dude my HS is so cheap that we don’t even have one of those) and seeing how they transformed into handsome business tycoons with the perfect wives. Some of them do, anyway.

It’s just weird knowing he’s changed so much. And missing out on it. Because for years, we were close and then the past few years of college, I stopped making an effort and he never really made any effort at all and we just drifted back to being mere acquaintances. And now he’s dating. 

Hehe. My life is funny. 

If he can get a girlfriend, I can get a boyfriend. Like we were both probably just as socially awkward in high school. Okay fine, maybe I had more friends but he definitely wins for having more male friends than I did.

I mean….

 

Wait..

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Diary of an Insecure Girl

Somebody come cuddle me. I really really want to. I promise I’m comfortable. I promise I’m good enough if you’ll just let me try to show you.

Please, don’t run away. I said NO, please don’t run away. DON’T!

Am I coming on too strong? Should I suppress my desire and let you think we play the game of cat and mouse just a little longer? I’m not that easy, am I? Or am I too hard to get that you’ve given up?

What did I do wrong? Is it something I said? Did I text you too often, or not enough?

Am I busy? Unavailable?

Am I sending out the wrong vibe? What happened after our third date?

NO don’t tell me you’ll call me, you may as well tell me you’ll break my heart. Where is the passion in your eyes that inflamed our bodies the first time we met?

We spent hours together, just talking. Didn’t that mean something to you?

I’M TELLING YOU, I CAN DO BETTER. Just tell me what you want, I’ll do it. I’ll do anything, just don’t leave.

Please, please please I’m begging you please don’t leave.

Don’t leave because if you do I’ll be all alone at night and I really liked it when we cuddled that night. Remember that night? Please don’t go, think back to that night it was real.

It was real I was real we were real it was all real DIDN’T IT MEAN ANYTHING TO YOU?

Why are you still walking away?

Is it true?

Do I mean nothing?

Cuddling and Comfort

Ever since…December of 2011, the one thing I have sorely missed is the comfort that comes with cuddling. As I said to somebody earlier today, there is a certain comfort in those intimate moments before you fall asleep and right after you wake up, when being in somebody else’s arms makes your whole body feel more at ease.

I miss the comfort when you have confident arms securely wrapped around you, and the heat of another body to keep you warm. Call me girly, but I love being held. And I sorely miss it.

It is that feeling of knowing that somebody else cares about you and wants to be close to you that lulls you into the best sleep you’ve ever had. Fine, you sleep fitfully sometimes because you’re afraid of tossing and turning too much or taking over the entire bed, but once you move past all that, you sleep with a smile and wake up feeling so happy.

And let me stress one more thing while I am writing this quick post. Cuddling is so much more comforting when it is somebody who cares about you. A “hook up” cuddle just isn’t the same. You do it awkwardly because you feel obligated to, but in the morning, you are unsure of the protocol. Do you cuddle? Do you sneak out of bed? Do you stay for breakfast? No, cuddling with somebody who doesn’t mean anything to you just isn’t the same.

So yes, I miss it badly. Not the physical intimacy, but the emotional and mental intimacy that you can only experience when you share a bed or couch with somebody you are close to. The sweet nothings, the giggles, the glimpses into your innermost fears and desires…they belong in the ears of somebody your body belongs with. Fits with. And that’s the person who you will find the most comfortable cuddling with too. It’s not just about the sex or the satiation of intimacy after sex, it’s about developing a relationship. It’s the pillow talk…that’s what makes cuddling so damned appealing and comforting to just about every girl out there.

Men of Futures

The world is spinning, my dreams are falling down. Is anybody out there? Can anybody out there hear me? Can anybody out there see me? Can anybody out there save me?

I just need to know what you’re doing out there right now. Are you going to help me, make me better, and make me whole? What are you doing right now? Are you asleep because you’re in the same timezone as me, or are you awake, a fellow insomniac? Will we have great 3AM sex? My future soulmate. No. My soulmate, though I haven’t met you yet. Are you out there? Where are you? In this country or in another?

—————

Don’t you ever wonder what he’s doing right now? Or if she’s awake or asleep. Do you think you would like to know when the two of you will meet? No, that would take away from the thrill. But though you might not want to know, do you wonder?

I wonder all the time. When I’m walking down the street to buy dinner, I wonder what he’s doing then. I wonder what time he usually eats dinner, and where he is at that very moment of time. When I am taking a bath, my thoughts drift lazily from one concern to another and sometimes, settle on wondering if we’ve ever taken a shower at the same time. I briefly consider the criteria for a soulmate. Perhaps mine prefers to take baths at the same time I do.

They’re silly thoughts, I know, but I just wonder. I wonder what he’s doing. Is he skydiving? Partying in Ibiza? Is he rich, is he poor? Is he in school?

What are his dreams? Have we ever made the same wish at 11:11 PM?

Just the little things that add up and mean so much in relationships, that’s when I think about him. Will I dream of him first, before we meet? Will I see his body and feel an emotional attachment to the man before seeing him? Will our eyes light up when we see each other for the first time?

Part of me thinks it’ll be wonderful and amazing when we meet, and that we will just know innately that we are meant to be together. But then I think back to 8th grade, when I connected with the girl who has since then been one of my closest friends, and I know there was no skipped heartbeat. I was sobbing and looked a mess, and she patted me on the back and listened. But lightning didn’t strike, the world didn’t freeze, and I didn’t know in my heart that she was going to be a best friend, forever.

So will it be the same way with love? Will it develop gradually because he will be in my life and one day, we will find that all the hours have added up and we’ve fallen into the stage of our lives we can call love.

I don’t know what love is. I don’t know what I’m going to feel, but I just want to know if he wonders what he’ll feel too.