One passion?

January 13, 2013 – Late Night Thoughts

I tried to set up a motivational songs playlist – you can see it on Spotify if you know how to stalk me through those things. I signed up with my name (Pryanka Arora) and main email address (blishful@gmail.com) if that makes things easier. I added the songs Motivation (Kelly Rowland, Lil Wayne), I Believe I Can Fly (R. Kelly), Stronger (Kanye West), We Will Rock You (Queen), and Total Eclipse of the Heart (Queen). Then I played a random song and set to work typing up this post.

But whatever thoughts had been pouring out of me dying to be written suddenly got stage fright and disappeared. So I guess this is just one of those nights that I don’t need music on. It was distracting me! That’s a first.

I wanted to talk about firsts today too. Today is the first time I don’t feel like wearing nail polish on my fingers. In fact, I have this strong urge to go downstairs right now and wipe off Sinful Colors, Blue By You, off my nails before I continue writing. I don’t know where this is coming from or why I feel such vehement distaste towards polish on my nails suddenly, but there is no denying that it is there. I have not gone a single day without painted nails once I stumbled across my fascination/addiction/obsession with nail polish in late 2011. It is now January 2013 and this week, I left my nails bare on Wednesday. And after typing this post, I am probably going to remove my polish once more.

I know that people change and it’s nothing to freak out about, but in my typical fashion of overthinking things and drawing out connections, I feel like this week, my passion for nail art is dimming. I am sure it will revitalize or change gradually into a gentler calling.

Passion. I never want to be criticized for not having enough passion. With my career, with my family, with my hobbies – I want to be passionate. I never want to do something I am not passionate about. And it is not until recently that I began to experience so much depression, anxiety, and doubt when it came to law.

Guys, I WANT TO BE A LAWYER. I have wanted to be a lawyer since I can remember. Dreams can change, and it’s okay. But this isn’t even a dream. It is my one goal, ambition, purpose, and passion. My ONE career choice that I felt undying passion and draw to.

Then it came down to it and I underperformed on the LSAT. Maybe not the end of the world, but crushing to my self-esteem and confidence. To my passion.

I feel as though when I lost that passion, I tried to fill in the gaps with things like nail art, beauty blogging, makeup and skincare products, nail polish, and dating. My writing suffered, my academics suffered, and certainly, the law school application process has suffered.

I don’t have a single letter of rec yet, though I brought up the subject with my Professors and Bosses back in November. I just dropped it all. What happened to my passion? WHERE IS IT?

I need it back. I want to be a lawyer. I need to write the BEST essay ever and convince them, in two double-spaced pages, that if they look beyond the numbers, they will see a woman who wants it desperately. Who envisions herself as a lawyer, and who knows she will be a success.

But can I only handle one passion at a time? When I am trying to revitalize my passion for law, why do I find my love of nail polish faltering? Why am I no longer writing creatively? Why have I not done anything in Photoshop in MONTHS???

I still want to be passionate 😦 Help me find my passions. I can’t pick just one.

After I typed up this post, I did actually go down to get my polish remover and open up Youtube to catch up on my subscribed channels. iisuperwomanii posted a new video, and it furthered my melancholy mood 😦 RIP to her grandfather, please watch this extremely moving and emotional and uplifting video though…it has an important message. It felt like she was speaking right to me. Right to my fears and emotions.

I know I am ending this on a serious note, and my heart is just breaking for what she is going through, but I think it’s an important message that I really needed to hear.

What I want to say to you is that in 2013, you will fall. You will get upset, you will get heartbroken, things will go wrong. And what I want to tell you is that you don’t need to wait until the end of the year to decide it’s a new beginning. Every single day, any day you choose can be a new beginning. So in 2013, if something doesn’t go your way, don’t think “Oh, that’s it, the year is done, I can’t do anything.” No! Wake up the next morning, and make it happen. 2013 is your year, I believe in you, follow your dreams. And when I say follow your dreams, that doesn’t mean dream about them. That means wake up and make it happen. Stop wishing, start doing. I believe in you.

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After College, Before Work

It’s an awkward interim – I have graduated college, but don’t yet have a real job. I am telling myself that this is not because I am lazy and unmotivated, but because I plan on higher education in the form of 3 years of law school to obtain a JD that will hopefully help me get an even better job.

But I am SURE I’m not the only one who’s found out that there’s this lovely gap of several months between graduating college and beginning graduate school. I’m not the ONLY one who graduated early, after all. Right? 

Right. Googling for things to do in this break didn’t yield much results beyond “OMG GET A JOB” so here I am blogging about what I think I would rather do in the time between now and September.

What should I do in all this spare time!? I want to go travel – I am planning to travel to India, hopefully. I’m VERY VERY psyched that I’m done with college, but I’m still very reluctant about entering reality and work and law school. It will happen, but it doesn’t need to happen quite yet….

If you guys have had ‘breaks’ in your life like this, what have you done with them?

Here’s what I’m hoping to accomplish before I start law school in September:

  1. Travel to India – probably in March or April? For a month or two.
  2. Finish organizing and decorating my basement room/mini-apartment
  3. Get a proper medical checkup – gynecologist + endocrinologist AND figure out how to regularly obtain birth control without paying out the roof for it
  4. WRITE! I have so many unfinished projects on this blog
  5. Go on a cruise – with friends, not family
  6. Do something adventurous – skiing? Hand-gliding, para-sailing, hot-air-balloon, bungee jumping, skydiving…the options are endless. Pick one and do it!
  7. Find a part-time job as a Paralegal once I’m done traveling
  8. GET INTO LAW SCHOOL – preferably Fordham – and find an affordable apartment in New York City
  9. Save up enough money for a car – long-term goal, don’t really need a car for the next three years while I am studying in the city
  10. Save up enough money for a Euro-trip – long-term goal, this won’t happen until after law school as well. 

The Roots. Lost.

This song beckoned to my heart back in 11th grade. Maybe 12th. When I first heard it, it left me in a trance. The lyrics are just so SALIENT – I think most people can relate with a line. Actually, most people can relate to many of the lines in this song.

Anyway, when I applied to New York University, one of our questions involved a song. I can’t remember exactly what we had to do with this song – we were supposed to either sing it in a hypothetical karaoke situation or just explain why it touched us. This was the song I picked back in November 2008 when I was applying to college. Now its January 2012, so many years later, and that song still holds true. I’m still a small fish in a big pond.

I still feel lost sometimes. And now more than ever. I have LSAT’s coming up in June. I don’t even know if I’m TAKING them in June or waiting until October. Part of me wants to get it done and over with, but another part of me is worried that I will never be prepared enough. I guess I’m just waiting for the “shine” to wear off. Just waiting until somebody blows my cover and gives me a reality check and tells me to listen up and accept that with my GPA, some things will never be.

I guess I’m still kind of lost. I’ve been so wrapped up in my lifelong dream of becoming a lawyer that I never planned a backup. There has never been ANYTHING I have wanted to pursue more than a career in law. What if I don’t make it?

So I’m hoping I’ll make it. I’m praying I do because only God knows what will become of my life if I don’t get into an amazing law school after graduation. I don’t know what I’m going to do with myself. Not a single clue. AHH.

Small fish in a big pond. This song reminds me of a similarly disillusioned Pryanka in 12th grade. That one got into NYU for her undergraduate degree. This one’s going to get her ass into an amazing law school.

That’s the attitude this song inspired. Cheers to hoping I can do it again.

Cheers to KNOWING that I can.

How To Spend A Day In The City

Pick a day. Preferably a Friday or a Saturday.

Once you’ve picked out your day, you’re going to need to make me a promise. Promise me that you’ll read and follow me – it’s for your own good after all. We’re going to start our day by forgetting that we are college students. Homework, study groups, recitations, professors, and midterms no longer exist. We’re now simply ourselves, young adults eager to explore the world and have a bit of fun while we’re at it.

Because of this liberation, you’ll see the world a little differently. We’re not going to Union Square to get to UHall or Palladium, or even to our pesky Beginner Level II Spanish class. Why is only that level of Spanish on 13th Street anyway? Today, our trek to Union Square, made interesting because we’ve opened our eyes to the random homeless people we encounter, including that one crazy person who was singing ahead of us for about a block. Now be ready with your MetroCard, because our destination is the Uptown 4-5-6 line. Grab the first train that comes and hop in. Our first stop is 86th Street.

If you haven’t guessed yet, we’re going to the Metropolitan Museum of Art. Once we get there, I’m going to give you some freedom, but remember, take pictures. Take a lot of pictures; you’ll cherish the memories later. Once you’ve explored your favorite exhibit, (Or done as I did – close my eyes and select a random wing. Explore said wing thoroughly) it’s time to head out – time for lunch perhaps? Pick a location you would otherwise never catch yourself in. And again, take pictures. Perhaps later, you might fancy turning it into a scrapbook?

Have we finished eating now? I ate at a small little European bistro café – something I’ve wanted to do for a while. What did you eat? Now that we’ve eaten, we’re going to head over to our next destination. Making our way slowly back downtown is the goal, but our next stop is Central Park. At Central Park, I’ve prepared a checklist – a scavenger hunt of sorts.

1. Find a talented musician and give him change; I know you have some left from lunch
2. Take a carriage ride. If you don’t want to pay, you can shadow a carriage and take pictures. Observe nature at its most innocent.
3. Find a body of water with nobody around it but you. Relax.
4. Sunbathe. Or look up at the clouds. Mull over your thoughts.
5. Find a quiet place – sing as loudly as you want. Take a picture of the sight.

Did you have as much fun today as I did? I’m sure by the time you complete this checklist, it’ll be quite late – almost time for dinner? I do hope you were smart and walked downtown rather than uptown all this time. The last part of our adventure is approaching, because it is now time to find a subway station we can take back to the NYU dorms. We’ll slowly adjust ourselves back into a dreary reality devoid of the spontaneity of stress-free freedom. I’m going to trust that you can figure out how to get back home – it is part instinct after all.

Go to a dining hall. It’s softer than heading straight back to your unkempt dorm, where binders, textbooks, and literature lay lined up, awaiting their completion. Our tasks can wait a little longer, so let’s listen to our stomachs first instead.

The sun’s set on both our day and liberty – we must now acknowledge the strings that come with college. As you trudge back to your dorm, don’t be quite so downcast, because underneath all of the tedious homework and tests, you know you can live in anticipation of another vacation. Don’t worry – the next time you can spare a few hours of freedom are what you have to look forward to. Such adventures are the true vacations of college kids. They compose some of the invaluable tidbits of life – a life that must be spent outside of simply studying.

– – –

Observation/Reflection: After a raging illness, one that lasted approximately a week, I was ready to get out of the dorm building. I hadn’t attended class, and the cold, gusty days outside were but a story to me – I’d heard about the days, but hadn’t experienced them. So this weekend, I promised to myself that I was going to recuperate, and do it properly – by having some fun. I took the bus down Madison Avenue to the Metropolitan Museum, and after exploring the entire medieval wing, (which was indeed a random selection) I treated myself to food not from an NYU dining hall. The trip in Central Park was certainly very refreshing, because getting away from the strain of college was imperative. One of the things that I’ve noticed in my semester here is this: students here are often so immersed in their extracurricular activities and classes that they fail to step back, take a deep breath, and say to themselves: “Holy crap, I live in New York City now.” Because it’s when you allow yourself to enjoy your surroundings, free of both stress and guilt, that you realize just how endearing this island is. It has an immeasurable amount of crazy things one can do to relax and get away from college life, and we honestly need to take better advantage of the city. NYC isn’t just here for its nightlife, and clubbing should not be the only means of a retreat. So I treated myself to a genuine day of fun, and then went home later that night and studied, this assignment itself being a part of that productive evening. Nature is a truly invigorating inspiration, and my trip. But back on topic – How to Date a Brown Girl was one of the more blatantly humorous pieces we’ve read. But best of all – it “kept it real” and didn’t try to confuse our senses with flowery, verbose writing. Because of that, one was attached to the narrator, and found the story all the more compelling. This trait is present in very few pieces of writing, and is one that I hope to embody in as much of my future work as I can.