Mujhe kuch nahi patha…[translated]

It was supposed to be abstract. It doesn’t refer to a specific person, a specific decision, or any specific event. It’s just…a rambling thought kind of piece. I’m not sure how to even classify it. I was just writing rhetorical questions in Hindi because I wanted to.

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What am I doing now? Why am I thinking like this? I don’t know why I can’t get him out of my head. I don’t know.

I don’t know why he got into my heart. When did he come? And why won’t he leave? Why?

I don’t know if I can ever be his. Does he think of me like that? Will he ever be able to? I don’t even know that much.

Should I wait for him? Or should I get him out of my mind? He doesn’t leave, every time I try. Why doesn’t he leave? Why?

We’re friends, but why is it that in this friendship, I listen to him every single time? Would he ever do that for me? I don’t think he would give up his life for me. He wouldn’t even say that as a joke. He doesn’t believe in all this. So then why can’t I forget him? Why?

Why do I do everything for him? And in return, why do I bear all of his desires and decisions? Whenever I think that this time, I won’t listen, I can’t do it. As if I don’t ever have my own plans? He acts as if whenever he wants, I should have fun with him. Eat food. Watch movies. And whenever I make plans, he takes one minute saying no to me. He never thinks that he’s wrong but whenever…WHENEVER…I tell him that I can’t do what he wants to, he gets angry at me.

I don’t know why I still spend time with him. I shouldn’t anymore, I think.

We’ll see what tomorrow brings for me. For us. For our lives.

I don’t know anything.

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Mujhe kuch nahi patha…

Ab main kya kar rahi hun? Kyu aise soch rahi hun? Mujhe nahi patha main usko apne dimaak se bahar kyu nahi nikal sakthi. Mujhe nahi patha.

Mujhe nahi patha vo mere dil main kyu aagaya. Kab aagaya? Aur vo bahar kyu nahi jathai? Kyun?

Mujhe nahi patha main uski kabhi ho sakthi hun. Vo mere bare aisa sochtha bhi hai ke nahin? Kabhi soch payega? Mujhe itna bhi nahi patha.

Main uske liye wait karu? Ya usko apne dimaak se bahar nikalun? Vo nikaltha hi nahin, main jabhi koshish karthi hun. Vo kyun nahi jatha? Kyun?

Hum dost tho hain, par is dosti me main kyun uski baath har bar sunthi hun? Vo mere liye aise kabhi bhi kartha? Mujhe tho nahi lagtha ke vo mere liye apni jaan dega. Vo to aise kabhi kahega be nahin. Vo is sub me believe he nahi kartha. Tho phir main usko kyun nahin bhula pathi? Kyun?

Kyun main uskeliye sab kuch karthi hun? Aur uske badle main uski kwahisho ko aur uski marziyon ko har bahar kyun sahu? Main jabhi sochthi hun ke iss baar, main nahi suno gi, main aise kar hi nahi pathi. Mujhe nahi acha lagtha jab koi aur mere se aise baath kartha hai jaise mere apne koi sapne hi nahin hain. Jaise mere paas apne plans hi nahin ho kabhi. Vo tho aise kartha hain jaise main uske saath jab chahe masti karun. Khana kahun. Movies dekhun. Aur jab main koi bhi plans banathi hun, ek minute lagatha hai mujhko na kahane main. Usko thab tho kuch galath nahi latha pur jabhi..JABHI….main usko bholun ke ma aise nahi kar sakthi jo vo chatha he, tho vo gusse hojatha hain. 

Mujhe nahin patha main iske bajae bhi uske saath time spend karthi hun. Nahin karna chaiye ab, main sochthi hun. 

Dekthe hain, kal kya kahatha hain mere liye. Hamare liye. Hamari zindagi ke liye.

Mujhe tho kuch nahi patha.