Pressure

I’m trying to visit law schools this summer, because I know that realistically speaking, it is highly unlikely that I get into a good law school in New York State. Mainly because NYS only has 3 really good law schools – Columbia, NYU, and Cornell – and they rank #3, 6, and 14 respectively. So I don’t think it’s wrong to consider my other options, spend time with friends, and also explore other colleges.

It’s just very frustrating that every time I bring up the subject of….my plans after graduation, my parent’s just take it for granted that I’m going to get into and attend NYU Law School. My dad tells me “Oh you told us that NYU had a 6 year program, that’s why we let you go” and time after time, I remind him that I said absolutely NO such thing. And he’s just rubbing it against me every time and he’s like, “Oh you’re so unreliable”

My mom’s concerns are pretty standard – she doesn’t want me to leave New York because she doesn’t think I’ll be able to survive out there in the big, bad, world. I mean one of her arguments is actually, “How are we supposed to move you in?”

PEOPLE ATTEND COLLEGE FROM OTHER STATES. WHAT THE FUCK KIND OF ARGUMENT IS THAT? A WEAK AND FLAWED ONE. I CAN TAKE CARE OF MYSELF, PACK A SUITCASE, AND GO TO SCHOOL. Other people do it. I’m a big girl.

She doesn’t get that.

As long as I stay within New York, she’s content feeding me bullshit about trust and freedom, but I don’t really have any freedom at all. The second I mention going somewhere else, she just shuts me off completely and feeds me one bullshit excuse after the next on why it’s an impossible idea. Not a bad one, but an impossible one. Completely dismisses me and just flat out says “NO” and stops listening. How am I supposed to reason with that?

I want to visit law schools this summer. I want to get out of New York for law school, and I want to travel regardless of where I end up going for law school. I want to spend this summer as far away from “home” as possible because I hate living at home for extended periods of time. I’ve hated it since about 10th grade. I’m sure I hurt their feelings when I so vehemently told them that I couldn’t wait to go to college, but the oppressive atmosphere at home is just really too much. I have to abide by their rules, and their rules are so old-fashioned and, as I said, oppressive..

It just makes me want to cry when they listen to me so dismissively. They refuse to acknowledge any alternate possibilities and I know that their dream reality is…probably never going to come true. So how am I going to live at home through the disappointment and pity ¬†and anger on their faces when I don’t get in?

She actually had the nerve to throw Hofstra law at my face. Yeah well I’m not doing it. If that’s where I end up, I might as well abandon my plan of becoming a lawyer right now. I can’t end up there, I have to do well on the LSAT and escape. I just have to.

Pressure – Written in anger, unedited, probably complete crap but…words I had to get out of my chest.

There’s so much pressure
Pressure from my home, my family,
Their expectations are a crushing weight and
I’m just struggling to stay afloat.
They know I can do it,
BUT WHAT IF I CAN’T?

I’m smart, I just have to study hard.
Well fine, but it isn’t THEM that’s putting in the hours.
It’s me, AND WHAT IF IT ISN’T ENOUGH?

Where’s your optimism?
Have a little faith in yourself.
They say.

And my family’s expectations,
those heavy, heavy expectations,
loom above me like a challenge and
I’m foolishly standing under their shaky chandelier.

As if I don’t know that I need to study.
I do. I KNOW.
But they aren’t the ones studying,
They don’t know how hard it is, and most of all,
They aren’t the ones with all those expectations of success.

Motivation, stamina, perseverence, endurance.
Just suck it up and study,
They say.

Well that’s fine, but what if studying isn’t all I need?
I need recommendations and I need a good GPA
And guess what, I’m not as smart as they think I am,
Because I don’t even have a good GPA.

It’s just difficult, every time I speak to my mother and
Hear her talk about attending NYU Law. In her perfect
little dream world with all the stupid statistics
That don’t mean a THING. But no, in her world, they mean
That I’m going to NYU Law.

That’s ranked #5 in the nation. Maybe 6.
Either way, that’s a hell of a small number,
When I consider how many law schools there are in this nation.
How am I supposed to get into #5?

What am I, really?
I enjoy graphic design.
I write.
I read. A lot.
I express myself in poetry and
Sometimes in prose.
I have brown eyes.

I am short, not thin,
I’m not always funny, I’m sort of awkward.
Bossy.

Not girlfriend material,
I’ve been told time and time again.

I’m just upset and sad and
Under a lot of that pressure to
Do better than I think I can and
Try not to fail everybody in my family.

They just think we’re naturally good at it,
But I know I’ve slacked. I could have done better,
But let’s face it. I came to college and for the first time,
I wasn’t on par with everybody else.
PEOPLE WERE JUST BETTER THAN ME even when they weren’t trying.

How am I supposed to beat them and get their spot
In NYU Law, when they have gotten better grades than I
Every single step of the way.

This is stupid,
Who do I really think I am?
How am I supposed to achieve my goals
When my family is setting them for me,
Much higher than they should be
And I’m floundering and they don’t understand
And I can’t speak to them about it because
They just don’t understand and…

And they think that I’m throwing it all away.
If I just studied a little harder, spent a little less time with friends.

And that’s fine, I could have done that. It wouldn’t have changed my grades,
My papers would still be the same.
But I’m still just a B+ student
And a B+ doesn’t get you into NYU Law.

I just wish my parents could see.

I miss you

Walk through into my world,
You’ll see an insecure child.
You’ll see a girl, a shy and timid girl,
A girl who just wants to feel loved.

Turn on the light.
Within the corridors, 
You’ll see a girl famished for attention,
You’ll see me, vulnerable, baring my
Thoughts and feelings to you.

I want you to enter,
I want to let you in. 
I want you to break the walls,
I want to believe.

It’s different, I know,
For me to care about you so much.
Slightly strange, my axis askew,
All I know is that when I’m not with you,
I miss you.

Poem – She

She drips honey from her
Shining skin. She bathes in
Flowing nectar, cleanses in
Pure Sunlight. She prepares for
Her next prey. She mourns her
Servitude and still, she
Anticipates incoming death.
She, Calypso, does exactly as she is told and
She entices and cajoles wandering bodies
Into her lethal embrace.

*scrap