Poem – Letting Go [+M Rated Blog Entry of sorts]

I’m breaking away from my inhibitions tonight.
I’m letting go of my past, but looking back just once more.
If you aren’t there baby, then I’ll be gone.
I don’t know what’s wrong with me,
And why I can’t just leave. Why am I giving you a second chance
When deep down I know your answer will remain the same.

I don’t know why I tried – having friends with benefits isn’t my style. It’s not how I roll, so to speak. I don’t know what I was thinking when I thought I could handle it, a no-strings attached online seduction. No romance. Never any romance. Never any reciprocated kisses, never a loving touch. Just sexual pleasure whenever you demand it. Masturbation on-demand almost. I would private this but I’m done keeping secrets even from myself. And I’m definitely done with all of that nonsense. It’s humiliating, degrading, and just sounds like I’d be left crying, pathetic and useless at the end. How dare he even suggest this. And to me, when I dated him a few years ago. How dare he tell me to forget the past, forget all of our history, and just have that…kind of relationship with him still. It’s sickening, really, to think that I’d have gone along with it. Where the fuck was my own self-respect. I’m not anybody’s sex toy.

Oh, if I had even an inkling of knowledge as to what this would lead into for the following three years of my life, I would never have joined his forum. I would never have dated his sorry ass so my sorry ass would never have had to continue liking him after it got dumped. Yeah putting it that way sounds harsh. It probably doesn’t make any sense unless you’re at least somewhat intimate with the details of my life. I don’t know man, I don’t know. Every single time I resolve to move on and leave him in my past, I turn around and go running back when he texts me or sends me a facebook message. I still want to speak to him, still want to chat with him, still want to webcam with him. Still want to do crazy things for him, still want to watch him do what I tell him to just because I asked him to and we haven’t learned to refuse each other yet. Why the fuck do I still want to do that if there is absolutely no future in our relationship? I have to stop fixating on his good qualities and accept that I messed up, picked the wrong dude, and am now haunted by my own past.

It had seemed to easy when we were 16 to call each other boyfriend and girlfriend. And now, I have to think twice using a “<3" in a conversation because I don't want him to read it the wrong way and lead to an awkward lull in conversation.

FREAKING HELL MAN. I AM A GIRL. I USE "<3" ALL THE TIME WITH MY HOMIES.

You used to know that.

If my sorrow was an art form, I'd be famous. He's broken so many promises, broken my heart so many times…I don't know why I still go back. I love his company so much that I'm willing to do whatever it takes to keep him next to me. But honestly, if he doesn't want to be a genuine friend of mine, then I have no reason to dwell over his friendship either. Maybe I need to forget that he even existed. But obviously that's not the right way to go either. So how the hell do I come to terms with him and all that we've given each other while still maintaining my sanity and distance from him now, when I still feel hopelessly in "like" with him and know that it will never be reciprocated with more than just lust and desire for me when he's already aroused.

I don't know.

I know I have to move on.

I know that I haven't been able to in these past three years, and there hasn't been any change in that statement yet, as desperate as I am for heart relief.

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Till Death Do Us Part – Part 2

*he’s kidding he’s kidding it’s all a lie. Please, let it all be a lie*

“…Evandra you okay? Did you hear what I said?”

"Uhhh…of course I did. You’re joking right? You’re being funny to make me feel less sad about mom? I appreciate the effort dad, but…don’t ever pull that joke on me again. Aidan and I are friends…very good friends, but nothing more. I’m positive about that dad. We both don’t have any ideas of getting married to each other…that’s just…outrageous"

“THAT’S ENOUGH. I think I am MORE than capable to decide what is and what isn’t outrageous, Evandra. And THIS is NOT outrageous. Au contraire….Richard is telling Aidan the same thing right now, and we’ll see how maturely he can take this suggestion."

"Suggestion? Father, you’ve all but forced this upon me. There is no way that I will marry my best friend. I want…" She trailed off, knowing that her father would never understand what she truly wanted. She wanted true love. Just a simple, sweet, romantic relationship with her true love.

“Again with this insolence. I’ve had more than enough of this. There is most definitely a way to get you to marry Aidan, and that is what, for lack of a better term, is called an ARRANGED MARRIAGE. Looking into Evandra’s eyes, he saw a fleeting glimpse of despair. Painfully, he blinked, furiously trying to get the eyes of his deranged wife out of his head. Oh dear god, he had loved her. Why hadn’t she talked to him first; they could have resolved things. But the past still haunted him, and  her eyes…why, they’d had this very same look on them that night. The very same.

Steeling himself, he continued “And, if you’re thinking of running away, just remember this. Your father is not yet poor enough that he won’t go searching for his beloved daughter, kidnapped and dragged away to god knows where. And when we do find you, you’ll be dragged straight to your wedding altar. Do you understand?”

Evandra was working herself into a near rage, but she mastered her fury and spoke calmly, with just a hint of familiar stubbornness. “Father, I see that you’re set on your decision. Well then I can assure YOU of some things as well then. I am NOT marrying Aidan. He is just my FRIEND. Father, my FRIEND. Not my LOVE. I refuse. I absolutely refuse.”

*SLAP*

Wincing in pain, Evandra looked her father in the eye (with new fiery depths in her usually complacent hazel eyes) and said: "This is the first time you’ve ever hit me, and if I have anything to do with it, it’ll be your last."

Gathering up his voice to yell at her, he stood, quite dumbfounded, as his tranquil Evandra ran up the stairs, unable to keep the tears from her eyes. 

Well, she will marry Aidan in the end. Ill have to see to it that she doesn’t lose me in the process. I can see another talk will be necessary then.

He walked up slowly. He was tired. Tired of everything. Tired of living when his wife was dead. Tired of being the bearer of bad news. Tired of pretending he was fine. Tonight, he was just tired. Sighing slowly, he walked into his study. He knew he wouldn’t be disturbed today. Opening a drawer, caressing its wood lovingly, he took out a bundle. A bundle that had been untouched since the news of his wife’s death had hit them. 

Ohh…where has Gabrielle gone when I truly need her. This was her job, telling Evandra about their arranged marriage. Why me Gab. Why me? Why could you not have taken me with you? I’m tired of living in this world.

Looking at the bundle, he broke down. Lost control, gave up, whatever you want to call it. Chest heaving as great sobs spasmodically shook his body, he sank to the floor, sobbing his heart out, mourning his beloved wife.

….Little did he know that somebody was watching him.

Evandra, her face pale as she heard what was unmistakably the sound of her father crying, turned around quietly and ran up the stairs to her room for the second time that day.

Till Death Do Us Part – Intro & Part 1

I’m not sure…this is a storyline I came up with two years ago, and now, is extremely overplayed. But I never got past chapter 2, and I want to give this one another shot first. Once I finish this one up, I’ll embark on a new, more original idea!

Name: Evandra Starr Desmond
Status: Lead Female
Age: 17
Likes: Textbook romances, reading, writing
Dislikes: mess, bossiness

Name: Aiden Pierce Windsor
Status: Main male character
Age: 17
Likes: Being in control, going on long drives
Dislikes: Extreme cleanliness.

Setting: (I almost forgot I should give this to you)
No big space or time warp, just to let you know. It’s the world as we know it, in the year 2009. This takes place in Europe btw.

Without any further ado, part 1:

"Coming father," Evandra said as she closed her diary, a single tear marring the pristine beauty of the pages on which she’d written. It was hard for her, this summer, to be without her mother. She didn’t think life could go on, didn’t understand how the world was still revolving. Her mother was dead. The only one who had truly understood her, and protected her from her fathers’ starkness.
 

He loved her, she knew that. But he had no idea about how he could express himself. And now that his wife had died, he had given up trying. The grief hovered in the air around them, making Evandra want to do nothing but run off to Aiden.
 

Aiden Windsor. The only friend she’d ever known. Oh there’d been others, in school. She’d laughed with them, and walked around with them, but she knew how shallow they were. Aiden, however, was the sweetest person she’d ever met, and she had technically met him before they were born. Their mothers had been best friends all throughout college, and had kept in touch. Or maybe the fact that, when they were married, they had ended up living right next to each other, had helped. At any rate, Aiden was the one person she could rely on. She told him everything, and he knew what she was going through.

It wasn’t fair, was it? Why did she have to lose her mother? She was only seventeen, not even old enough to be out of high school yet. This wasn’t supposed to happen.

Thinking about the times they had shared, the memories her mother had left behind resulted in three more drops splashing onto her diary. Getting up quickly, she put the diary away and stared out the window, remembering the time when she and Aiden had been tottering around, chased by Gabrielle *her mother*, yelling at them to let her change their clothes. If only she had known. She never would have pushed her mother away so much as she was growing up.

Breaking out of her reverie, and anxious not to upset her father, she walked toward the study. Knocking slightly, she opened the door and walked in, trying once more to decipher her father’s cryptic look. He had that look so often these days. When that didn’t work, she sat down, waiting for her father to begin the conversation.

"After your mother died," and then a pause, in which he heaved a longing sigh, "…I dont think I’ve been fair enough to you. I know this was as much a shock to you as it was to me, and I’ve been very selfish lately. Honey, I want to do what’s the best for us, and I don’t know if you, or myself for this matter, can take living in this silent ghost of a house together anymore."

"Wha…what do you mean by that father? I miss mother terribly, but what are you trying to say? Evandra asked?"
 

"I’ve been talking extensively with Mr. Windsor *Aiden’s mother had died when he was born* and we’ve come to a decision. I’ll tell you what I want you to do, but I don’t expect an answer from you right away. I’ve thought long and hard before reaching this agreement with Richard, and we both agree it’s only fair that you both agree before we proceed."

"What have you decided?"

"I want…no…Pierce and I both wish to see you and Aiden marry as soon as you both turn eighteen."