I’m breaking away from my inhibitions tonight.
I’m letting go of my past, but looking back just once more.
If you aren’t there baby, then I’ll be gone.
I don’t know what’s wrong with me,
And why I can’t just leave. Why am I giving you a second chance
When deep down I know your answer will remain the same.
I don’t know why I tried – having friends with benefits isn’t my style. It’s not how I roll, so to speak. I don’t know what I was thinking when I thought I could handle it, a no-strings attached online seduction. No romance. Never any romance. Never any reciprocated kisses, never a loving touch. Just sexual pleasure whenever you demand it. Masturbation on-demand almost. I would private this but I’m done keeping secrets even from myself. And I’m definitely done with all of that nonsense. It’s humiliating, degrading, and just sounds like I’d be left crying, pathetic and useless at the end. How dare he even suggest this. And to me, when I dated him a few years ago. How dare he tell me to forget the past, forget all of our history, and just have that…kind of relationship with him still. It’s sickening, really, to think that I’d have gone along with it. Where the fuck was my own self-respect. I’m not anybody’s sex toy.
Oh, if I had even an inkling of knowledge as to what this would lead into for the following three years of my life, I would never have joined his forum. I would never have dated his sorry ass so my sorry ass would never have had to continue liking him after it got dumped. Yeah putting it that way sounds harsh. It probably doesn’t make any sense unless you’re at least somewhat intimate with the details of my life. I don’t know man, I don’t know. Every single time I resolve to move on and leave him in my past, I turn around and go running back when he texts me or sends me a facebook message. I still want to speak to him, still want to chat with him, still want to webcam with him. Still want to do crazy things for him, still want to watch him do what I tell him to just because I asked him to and we haven’t learned to refuse each other yet. Why the fuck do I still want to do that if there is absolutely no future in our relationship? I have to stop fixating on his good qualities and accept that I messed up, picked the wrong dude, and am now haunted by my own past.
It had seemed to easy when we were 16 to call each other boyfriend and girlfriend. And now, I have to think twice using a “<3" in a conversation because I don't want him to read it the wrong way and lead to an awkward lull in conversation.
FREAKING HELL MAN. I AM A GIRL. I USE "<3" ALL THE TIME WITH MY HOMIES.
You used to know that.
If my sorrow was an art form, I'd be famous. He's broken so many promises, broken my heart so many times…I don't know why I still go back. I love his company so much that I'm willing to do whatever it takes to keep him next to me. But honestly, if he doesn't want to be a genuine friend of mine, then I have no reason to dwell over his friendship either. Maybe I need to forget that he even existed. But obviously that's not the right way to go either. So how the hell do I come to terms with him and all that we've given each other while still maintaining my sanity and distance from him now, when I still feel hopelessly in "like" with him and know that it will never be reciprocated with more than just lust and desire for me when he's already aroused.
I don't know.
I know I have to move on.
I know that I haven't been able to in these past three years, and there hasn't been any change in that statement yet, as desperate as I am for heart relief.