Very broad topic, I know. Life – it encompasses everything we think about. So why would I pick it for a title – it doesn’t really give you an idea about what I’m trying to think about.
A friend of mine today told me that she thought I was more in love with the idea of dating than I was with any particular person. She felt like I was trying to be interested in people for the sake of dating somebody. I don’t know how much truth there is to that statement, but it got me thinking.
At first glance, I didn’t think that was true at all – I’m not just attracted to the idea of dating. Then I thought about it some more – every time a guy has shown any interest in me, I’ve run off. That’s not to say I want to be chased, but it stands to reason that I don’t really WANT to date all that much if I keep rejecting everybody who tries to flirt with me. I feel like the chase is what excites me – when I’m flirting with somebody and I think they’re flirting back, but I’m not sure? It’s thrilling in a fangirl sort of way, to decipher that guy’s actions and words or texts to try to find hidden meaning. To try to pinpoint the moment when he goes from being intrigued to being interested. And that moment, when it happens, is exhilarating. Everybody wants to experience the feeling they get when they realize it’s more than just flirting – that moment you only get when you realize that you do really and truly LIKE somebody.
Have I felt that? Not really. I was starting to back last year, around this time actually, but things ended before it could develop. As there was no long-term intent on eithe side anyway, I got over it. I thought for a while that instant gratification would be enough, but every time there was a physical attraction or encounter, I found myself hating the fact that there was no spark first. There was no emotional Eureka when the flirting developed into a crush. I asked myself – why bother trying to date if I don’t even really like these guys? A of course, there were those times when the guy just wasn’t interested in more than instant gratification either, which is such an obvious turn-off for me.
So if I am to take my thoughts as a realization that I don’t really want to experience that kind of hollow gratification anymore, it can only mean that I want a relationship again. So I’m not just in love with the idea – I really do want to experience it again. That feeling that I am not obligated to perform unless we both want it, and the feeling you get when you know that (even when he doesn’t want to) you have somebody to cuddle with and talk to rather than just have sex with. That’s what separates the one-night-stand from the boyfriend, right? You can talk, you can express yourselves, and that long-term understanding and interaction is what classifies a strong relationship. Do I want that? Absolutely.
I think the reason it comes across that I’m not serious about it is that I glow under praise of any kind, real or imagined. Maybe it’s because I’m slightly overweight, slightly too nerdy, and slightly awkward. So when somebody tells me that I’m beautiful and means it, I glow. I appreciate it. When somebody is nice to me and goes out of his way to spend time with me, I notice it and I interpret it as something more than what it usually is, unfortunately. So yeah, I might read too much into things, but in the end, no amount of HOPING that a guy is interested will get a guy to ask me out on a date. And when I do get asked out, I’m super picky when I really don’t have any reason to be so haughty. I get the feeling that somebody is doing me a favor by dating me so I try to avoid the post-breakup hurt when I find out that my boyfriend REALLY just thought was ugly and was tryna get some, and when that didn’t work out, he bailed. I try to tell myself that that’s not always how a relationship works, but how can I believe it when that is what always happens? Why the hell is weight and outer perfection/beauty always the thing that matters most?
Then, after all of that pondering, my thoughts come fll-circle and I decide, “Fuck dating, I’m just going to study and wait to see where law school takes me.” And that’s all well and good but let’s come down to the knitty gritty – As much as I say I don’t care, I DO. I hate being alone! I need somebody to rant to, that’s just who I am. I can’t imagine another 2 years without somebody I know will be there and like me for who I am. I don’t know, maybe the added stress and pain of commuting this semester adds to the neediness factor, but I do really want a boyfriend. And I’m not just attracted to any random guy. I know that for sure. I just have the bad habit of liking the guys who don’t like me, and feeling nothing for those who do.
I don’t know, something’s broken.
Controlled Derangement 