Rose Day, Propose Day

I made this for Dan 🙂 For those of you who don’t know him, he is one of my CLOSEST friends. He has been for years. We first met on a forum (Neofreaks.org) and bonded over our mutual love for graphic design. We became even closer when we added each other on Skype – for YEARS we talked almost daily. He’s an amazing person and one of my best friends you guys (:

Please click to see it in full!

It’s just something really small and quick that I whipped up in honor of the first two days of Valentine Week – Rose Day and Propose Day. I poured my feelings and our inside jokes into this little wallpaper and the background roses that it features help me fulfill Day 1’s requirements as well (:

I’m trying to lift up my own spirits, so maybe things like this will help.

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Valentine’s Week is here

Hmmph. NO matter how grouchy I am about the whole affair, Valentine’s Day is still steadily approaching. I was talking to a friend of mine who has an overseas beau (Although neither of us are quite sure where it will lead or how mutual the feelings are) and she’s so happily flirting with him that some of the spirit can’t help but rub off on me.

She messaged me today telling me she’s on Cloud 9. When I asked for updates, she told me that today was apparently Proposal Day

Now…I have never heard of this thing, so naturally, I asked her more.

Apparently (at least in India), February 7 kicked off a week of cutesy Valentine festivities that lead up to Valentine’s Day next Thursday.

Here is the lineup, found on this blog here. Maybe you can read up on this blog to learn more about what each of these days signify!

The Valentine Week List 2011

Rose Day on Feb 7
Propose Day Feb 8
Chocolate Day Feb 9
Teddy Day Feb 10
Promise Day Feb 11
Hug Day on Feb 11
Kiss Day on Feb 13
Valentine Day on Feb 14

 

SO, TODAY BEING PROPOSAL DAY AND ALL. If anybody likes me, the next hour and a half from now would be a good time to announce it haha

I’m Anti-Valentine’s Day

That’s right! I refuse to give into the cutesy Hallmark Holiday that is Valentine’s day. Just one week to go and I’m already sick of all of the lovey-dovey mushiness that is surrounding me. All the couples in love and happy and caring about each other.

You know just once, I’d like to have a Valentine’s Day that consists of a male in my life who likes me. I’ve never been the target audience for Valentine’s Day. Never been in a relationshi(t) on Vday. Always single. Even the one time I had a boyfriend over two years ago, he broke up with me in the beginning of January and we never spoke again. Even when we were in school all semester after that and lived in the same dorm building. Eep, awkward, right.

But right now, I’m not painting my nails all pink with cute holographic hearts all over them. I’m not pining away and hoping to meet somebody special, and I’m certainly not expecting any gifts. No chocolates, hearts, flowers, dates, or fancy dinners are in my cards this year. I don’t foresee them being in my future either 😦

Source [http://www.tumblr.com/tagged/forever%20alone%20meme]

I always get a little sad when February comes around 😦 That’s all, I guess.

It’s because I’ve wanted a relationship for so many years. Maybe if I had one good long-term relationship, I’d know the pros and the cons and want it less? But I think I have the personality that gets attached and I know I would make a good girlfriend/wife someday. I like taking care of people. I’m nice andand…okay fine, I’ll save it for shaadi.com

What I’m saying is true though. I WANT A BOYFRIEND. I am not afraid to admit it. I want somebody to take care of who will take care of me. I wanna have all these lovey dovey feelings and go on a really cute romantic date for Valentine’s Day. I don’t wanna end up forever alone!

Until that dream becomes a reality, Valentine’s Day will continue to suffocate me with all of its happiness. The day singles out all of the lonely people in this world and makes them feel that much more sad, alone, and depressed. Sometimes, the lonelies will connect over the mutual loneliness they feel on Valentine’s Day, but most of that stuff is for the movies. I can’t bank on that happening for me.

I just know that love will strike unexpectedly for me. I know because I am not leaving it with any other choice. Because I’m beginning to believe and expect that there is nobody out there who will fall in love with me on his own. I’ve waited and wanted for so many years and I’ve been let down every single time. So I hope you guys will excuse me for no longer expecting to find love.

Arranged marriage, that topic that fascinates me oh-so-much, sounds more and more appealing by the day. Gods, I hate this month.

Relationship Preferences

Freshman year, I was convinced that I had a very limited range of age requirements for the kind of boys I would let myself like/date. I was absolutely CERTAIN that he couldn’t be younger than me, and I wanted him to be studying at NYU with me too. I couldn’t even fathom dating somebody I couldn’t see all the time especially since my first relationship was long-distance, we never met, and we broke up because it felt like it was a pointless and fruitless quest for romance if we could never meet in person.

Then in Sophomore year, when I met my first “real” boyfriend (As in, one that I could touch and hug and kiss as much as I wanted to), it wasn’t all that I expected. He was my age and went to my school. We even lived in the same dorm building and that definitely made it easy to hang out with him. BUT he was Vietnamese. That definitely wasn’t in my “plan” and well…three months later, THAT relationship fell apart because we both realized that we couldn’t really let our feelings deepen if I couldn’t envision any possible future with him.

Junior year I was in the slumps and just sort of partied around and hooked up a little bit. One night stands? Yay. Every time I got close to a guy, I ran away. None were Indian.

Until early this year. Technically still a Junior, I was a Senior by credit this spring semester. And that’s when I met a guy who was much older than me. (Okay fine, 5 years older) and Indian. He’s like the first Indian I’ve ever been that powerfully attracted to too, so I was eager to see where this would lead. I even dressed to impress LOL. But I don’t really see that one going anywhere though we still talk now and then.

But as a Senior, I feel now that I am much more attracted to older guys. Guys that have got at least 3+ years on me. I think that they’re a lot more mature and are looking for more serious relationships rather than one night stands, which seems to be the norm for NYU. What’s also scary is that I am trying once more to restrict myself to only seeing Indian guys because I don’t want to enter another relationship that will fail because the guy will realize that I can never show him to my parents or let them find out we are dating. It’s just so much easier if the guy is Indian. I’m sort of tired of sneaking around all the time. Also, I’m commuting.

Just found it interesting how my relationship preferences have sort of changed and grown and maybe even matured over the years. Also, let’s not kid ourselves…I am totally procrastinating working on my novel.

Le sigh, I will miss blogging in my own voice. Clearly, it is a bajillion times easier haha.

Day 23: Allow me to love YOU

Day 22 — Allowing another person to fully love me means I must…

I’m going to preface my “list” with some philosophizing first. I feel as though allowing somebody to love me means that I must first love and accept myself. I don’t think there’s a strict criteria – I’m not putting height, weight, income, etc…into the equation.

  • I must first accept myself. Be happy with who I am so I don’t bog down our relationship with self-loathing
  • Look at the man behind the facts. Eye color, physical attributes, his weight…don’t matter.
  • Know that he will fit into my family and not just my own life. So I must first know he is Indian, Hindu, raised with the same family values as I was. Speaking Hindi is a bonus. There’s just something so beautiful and touching to be able to call him jaan when he wakes up. Something ethereal in whispering sweet nothings in a language you both understand. Sometimes, English is too rough.
  • Learn to live with him. It’s all about adaptation, compromise, and making the best of what you’ve got. Whether prince or pauper, he’s the King of my heart, the man I will love.
  • Learn to be less clingy, and play hard to get. For some reason, men only want it when they can’t have it. The chase, so to speak. I must learn to be an enticing chase.
  • Be open and honest. Understand that no man will ever be perfect, and accept him for who he is. An imperfect couple is the best kind, because there is always something to work at, to understand.
xoxo,

Pryanka

List of rules and questions is here

Please take a moment to check out the other wonderful blogs participating in 30 days of Blogging Honesty with me!

Day 22: The Pros and Cons of Loving Pryanka

Day 22 — Allowing another person to fully love me means they must…

My mommy starts her first day at a new job in the morning, so everybody who reads this has automatically wished her luck ❤ Moving on, the questions for Day 22 and 23 were rather difficult. I suppose I should be grateful they were asked on a weekend but this weekend I was MAD busy. I had my LSAT Prep Course this weekend, and it took up quite a long time!

For another person to fully love me, he must

  • Know and accept my past. The good parts and the bad parts.
  • Understand and at the very least, respect my view of online relationships and the power of online socialization. My first “boyfriend” was online. I made some very strong friendships over the years.
  • Allow me my nail polish addiction. I promise not to waste his money on it though!
  • I’m clingy. He has to not get irritated or shut me off. I want to be there for him, but I always end up crossing the line and just like….being there too much, if that makes sense? Like if you don’t feel good, talk to me. So if he loves me, he’ll understand my need to sort things out face to face
  • Never end an argument with the cold shoulder. If we fight, that’s fine, but no childish arguments that involve us not talking to each other for days.
  • Enjoy talking to me on Skype or over the phone. IDK if we don’t text much, but good morning phone calls are the best
  • Enjoy cuddling me
  • Never try to buy me off with money. I want him, not his money
  • Be faithful. Period.
But even though I’m making you a list, I don’t believe that I need any sort of criteria for how a man can love me. If he loves me and I’m with him, that must mean he is doing something right. And if he is doing something right, then I will know that he loves me and we will continue to stay together.
(: I don’t quite understand how I can make demands from a man. There are only the basics – faithfulness being the jist of it. After that, only he will know how to love me, because he will understand me better than myself. He’ll know what I need. If he didn’t, he wouldn’t love me, right?

xoxo,
Pryanka

List of rules and questions is here

Please take a moment to check out the other wonderful blogs participating in 30 days of Blogging Honesty with me!

Life

Very broad topic, I know. Life – it encompasses everything we think about. So why would I pick it for a title – it doesn’t really give you an idea about what I’m trying to think about.

A friend of mine today told me that she thought I was more in love with the idea of dating than I was with any particular person. She felt like I was trying to be interested in people for the sake of dating somebody. I don’t know how much truth there is to that statement, but it got me thinking.

At first glance, I didn’t think that was true at all – I’m not just attracted to the idea of dating. Then I thought about it some more – every time a guy has shown any interest in me, I’ve run off. That’s not to say I want to be chased, but it stands to reason that I don’t really WANT to date all that much if I keep rejecting everybody who tries to flirt with me. I feel like the chase is what excites me – when I’m flirting with somebody and I think they’re flirting back, but I’m not sure? It’s thrilling in a fangirl sort of way, to decipher that guy’s actions and words or texts to try to find hidden meaning. To try to pinpoint the moment when he goes from being intrigued to being interested. And that moment, when it happens, is exhilarating. Everybody wants to experience the feeling they get when they realize it’s more than just flirting – that moment you only get when you realize that you do really and truly LIKE somebody.

Have I felt that? Not really. I was starting to back last year, around this time actually, but things ended before it could develop. As there was no long-term intent on eithe side anyway, I got over it. I thought for a while that instant gratification would be enough, but every time there was a physical attraction or encounter, I found myself hating the fact that there was no spark first. There was no emotional Eureka when the flirting developed into a crush. I asked myself – why bother trying to date if I don’t even really like these guys? A of course, there were those times when the guy just wasn’t interested in more than instant gratification either, which is such an obvious turn-off for me.

So if I am to take my thoughts as a realization that I don’t really want to experience that kind of hollow gratification anymore, it can only mean that I want a relationship again. So I’m not just in love with the idea – I really do want to experience it again. That feeling that I am not obligated to perform unless we both want it, and the feeling you get when you know that (even when he doesn’t want to) you have somebody to cuddle with and talk to rather than just have sex with. That’s what separates the one-night-stand from the boyfriend, right? You can talk, you can express yourselves, and that long-term understanding and interaction is what classifies a strong relationship. Do I want that? Absolutely.

I think the reason it comes across that I’m not serious about it is that I glow under praise of any kind, real or imagined. Maybe it’s because I’m slightly overweight, slightly too nerdy, and slightly awkward. So when somebody tells me that I’m beautiful and means it, I glow. I appreciate it. When somebody is nice to me and goes out of his way to spend time with me, I notice it and I interpret it as something more than what it usually is, unfortunately. So yeah, I might read too much into things, but in the end, no amount of HOPING that a guy is interested will get a guy to ask me out on a date. And when I do get asked out, I’m super picky when I really don’t have any reason to be so haughty. I get the feeling that somebody is doing me a favor by dating me so I try to avoid the post-breakup hurt when I find out that my boyfriend REALLY just thought was ugly and was tryna get some, and when that didn’t work out, he bailed. I try to tell myself that that’s not always how a relationship works, but how can I believe it when that is what always happens? Why the hell is weight and outer perfection/beauty always the thing that matters most?

Then, after all of that pondering, my thoughts come fll-circle and I decide, “Fuck dating, I’m just going to study and wait to see where law school takes me.” And that’s all well and good but let’s come down to the knitty gritty – As much as I say I don’t care, I DO. I hate being alone! I need somebody to rant to, that’s just who I am. I can’t imagine another 2 years without somebody I know will be there and like me for who I am. I don’t know, maybe the added stress and pain of commuting this semester adds to the neediness factor, but I do really want a boyfriend. And I’m not just attracted to any random guy. I know that for sure. I just have the bad habit of liking the guys who don’t like me, and feeling nothing for those who do.

I don’t know, something’s broken.