Am I Initiating too much?

When you start to wonder if you’re initiating contact too much, that’s when you know you’re in trouble. I’ll explain.

When you are truly comfortable with a person and want to say something to them, do you hesitate or do you just tell them what you’re thinking? When it comes to my best friends, I don’t hesitate. If I’ve already spoken to them in the morning but I think of a really funny joke or want to talk to them again, there’s no worry that I’m bothering them or texting them too much. I just do it. I just make the call or send the text. The worry that I’m initiating contact twice in one day doesn’t even enter my head. It’s not even a thing.

How many of you can say the same thing? I’m sure most of you will agree that when it comes to your friends, there is no fear of initiation. There’s no thought of initiation. You don’t think actively about how many times you’ve initiated contact in the past few days and whether you should wait for them to call you first or not. It’s not a worry because you’re secure and comfortable. You’ve bonded over the years. There is no apprehension before talking to them

But the moment you introduce feelings to the fray, everything changes. You start to wonder – hmm, why hasn’t he texted me all morning, why didn’t she tell me she went out last night? Suddenly, making a phone call becomes more complicated. Am I too breathy? Is my voice too low? What if I say the wrong thing? What’ll we talk about anyway, maybe I should just text him instead. 

All these crazy emotions suddenly swirling inside of you, making it impossible to initiate contact securely for the timebeing. There is a new thought process added – the one that questions why it’s been 12 hours with no contact. Worries that it’s too early or too late. It’s so goddamn annoying to find yourself second-guessing the natural.

 

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I wanna know you better

I’ve loved Omarion since “Ice Box” – there was a really great choreographed routine to Ice Box on America’s Best Dance Crew one year, but that’s tangential.

I like prefacing my posts with a song I’m listening to, so I think I’m going to do it more often 🙂 This is a song I’m loving today – It’s been on loop the past hour while I was studying.

This song above (I really do hope you clicked play for the duration of reading this post!) is a pretty cool look into the basics of getting to know a stranger a little better! One of the less trashy new songs out there because the few times Omarion makes sexual innuendos, he laughs them off and says just playing. in the song. I mean obviously he’s not, but it’s still a more subtle explicitness, and because of that, it’s hotter than overt dirty lyrics could ever be.

Let’s start with the basics, your in seam, what your waist is
Nail color, shoe size, what designer’s your favorite?

I never knew asking somebody what their shoe size was was a ‘basic’ but apparently, Pusha T thinks so! This is from his verse lol. It’s funny because I was just asked my shoe size on OKCupid the other day and I was like “wow that’s such an innovative first question to ask me, nobody’s ever done that before” BUT I GUESS I WAS WRONG. Oh well.

It’s a 7.5 🙂

Tell me what’s your name, tell me, tell what’s your sign
Tell me what you into, tell me, tell what you like
If you was rich tomorrow tell me what would you do with it?
And if you could see the future, baby do you see me in it?
Would you date me for a minute, girl before you let me hit it?
Are you single? Are you taken? Working towards your education?

God I love Omarion, you really have to listen to his voice. I would tell him anything he asked me if he sang to me SO BEAUTIFULLY LIKE THAT. ❤ ❤ ❤ ❤ So much love.

Brief moment of fangirl’ing aside, these are some deeper questions you’d ask when you were trying to get to know somebody better. If he or she is going to be in your life, you want to know these things. You want to know where his or her head’s at.

Smoke? Drink? None of the above?
Fuck? Make love? Do you have kids? How many? And if you do, can I be their baby daddy? (LOL just playing, unless you’ll let me)

^ I paraphrased the song there

So take a few minutes today and make sure you can answer all these basics about the important people in your life 🙂 Whether this is close friends, a spouse, a significant other, OR A PET.

Just try to know one person better.

Dear Diary, let me update you on my life

I haven’t done a “personal blog” style post in a loooong time. As much as I enjoy the challenges that get me writing, I tend to forget that this is a personal blog first and foremost. But today, I sat down with my lunch and thought, with no small amount of shock, that if I look back at my blog posts alone this past year, I will have NO IDEA what went on with my life!!!!

Now this is a thought I cannot stand, and I’m going to begin remedying it immediately. Starting right now. I’ll title the purely personal update posts with a “Dear Diary” in the beginning so you can ignore them if you want!

This past year, several major things have changed in my life. I procrastinated my LSAT. I procrastinated my law school applications. I procrastinated my letters of recommendation. I procrastinated TOO MUCH! I took the LSAT in October and could theoretically submitted my application anytime after September, really.  Instead, I submitted them all in March, and missed the deadlines of all the good schools. Not that it mattered, because I underperformed on the LSAT and lost all hope of getting into those anyway.

It was disheartening and my self-confidence took a pretty huge dip. It stayed that way for months. For almost the past half year, I was at a lower point in my life and I couldn’t even see myself getting into law school at all. Silly, irrational fears. They have a way of taking root and insidiously poisoning your entire mindset, and even last month, I was forlornly staring at my LSAC account and thinking that I wasn’t going to get into law school.

Well, I was wrong. I did get into law school. I didn’t get into a great one or even a spectacular one, but I got into law school. I got into that law school with almost a full ride. There are plus’s and minus’s. Logically, receiving this much financial aid made it a no-brainer. With the smarts that can only come with hindsight and retrospect, I am glad to have received this much money and feel like I am making a smart decision. I tell myself that even if I’d gotten into a better school, I probably would have picked the one I have chosen due to the money factor alone. How much of that is me trying to make myself feel better, I still don’t know.

With the stress and pressure of applying and getting into law school out of my mind, I spiraled out of control – in a bad way. We’re talking about eating unhealthy, constantly hanging out with my friends, and blowing money on food, entertainment, nail polish, and makeup like I had a job. At the end of January 2013, I no longer had a job. Instead of realistically planning to find one, I again took a procrastination route.

I convinced myself I deserved the time off and spent the next month in New Jersey with my cousin. After that, I spent a month sleeping in until 3PM, staying up all night watching movies or blogging, and frantically trying to sell off my extra makeup because I really did have way too much.

There have been several crucial points of change that have shaped my life and given me a more healthy perspective on things.

Getting into law school with the money helped. Getting into a regular blogging routine here and on NailSparks also helped.  But the most help has come from a single person, whether he knows it or not. He has motivated me to take charge and stop whining. To just grow up already.

And that’s what I’ve done, in a nutshell. I’ve grown up. Somewhere along the way, I have graduated college, started working full-time as a Paralegal, and made a meaningful relationship with somebody who only makes me want to be even better.

Isn’t this the best kind of growth?

I’m Anti-Valentine’s Day

That’s right! I refuse to give into the cutesy Hallmark Holiday that is Valentine’s day. Just one week to go and I’m already sick of all of the lovey-dovey mushiness that is surrounding me. All the couples in love and happy and caring about each other.

You know just once, I’d like to have a Valentine’s Day that consists of a male in my life who likes me. I’ve never been the target audience for Valentine’s Day. Never been in a relationshi(t) on Vday. Always single. Even the one time I had a boyfriend over two years ago, he broke up with me in the beginning of January and we never spoke again. Even when we were in school all semester after that and lived in the same dorm building. Eep, awkward, right.

But right now, I’m not painting my nails all pink with cute holographic hearts all over them. I’m not pining away and hoping to meet somebody special, and I’m certainly not expecting any gifts. No chocolates, hearts, flowers, dates, or fancy dinners are in my cards this year. I don’t foresee them being in my future either 😦

Source [http://www.tumblr.com/tagged/forever%20alone%20meme]

I always get a little sad when February comes around 😦 That’s all, I guess.

It’s because I’ve wanted a relationship for so many years. Maybe if I had one good long-term relationship, I’d know the pros and the cons and want it less? But I think I have the personality that gets attached and I know I would make a good girlfriend/wife someday. I like taking care of people. I’m nice andand…okay fine, I’ll save it for shaadi.com

What I’m saying is true though. I WANT A BOYFRIEND. I am not afraid to admit it. I want somebody to take care of who will take care of me. I wanna have all these lovey dovey feelings and go on a really cute romantic date for Valentine’s Day. I don’t wanna end up forever alone!

Until that dream becomes a reality, Valentine’s Day will continue to suffocate me with all of its happiness. The day singles out all of the lonely people in this world and makes them feel that much more sad, alone, and depressed. Sometimes, the lonelies will connect over the mutual loneliness they feel on Valentine’s Day, but most of that stuff is for the movies. I can’t bank on that happening for me.

I just know that love will strike unexpectedly for me. I know because I am not leaving it with any other choice. Because I’m beginning to believe and expect that there is nobody out there who will fall in love with me on his own. I’ve waited and wanted for so many years and I’ve been let down every single time. So I hope you guys will excuse me for no longer expecting to find love.

Arranged marriage, that topic that fascinates me oh-so-much, sounds more and more appealing by the day. Gods, I hate this month.

When your crush starts dating somebody else

ISN’T THAT JUST AWKWARD?

The guy I had a crush on for ALL OF HIGH SCHOOL (I mean all of it…started right in that mandatory 7th grade art class and continued till my freshman year of college ended…my god it was pathetic) is now in a relationship. With somebody else.

Okay well since I know at some point he had the address to this blog (Let’s get real, he probably hasn’t been on it in years), I’ll keep personal details to a minimum. Those of my readers who know me ‘in real life’ already know who I’m talking about 😛 And for the rest of you, consider it a general rant!

So yes, he started dating this girl a week ago (I think this is his first…he was all sorts of shy and anti-social with self-esteem issues in HS BUT I tried to be there for him through it all. We were friends and things sort of progressed towards dating the summer after high school ended but he freaked out and disappeared on me for months and well…yeah)

So he has a Facebook now too. He never had one then BAM he starts dating some pretty slim white chick and the same day they start dating, he joins FB. And shows up in my suggested friends list. He’s all hot[ter] now (He lost a lot of weight. Not like that ever bothered me..) and in a relationship.

I’m happy for him 🙂 I hope this chick treats him right, because I know he’s such a sweetheart and he’s so nice and caring and compassionate. I assume that with the weight loss came a much needed boost of confidence and self-esteem, and that time has healed the impact of some of the terrible things he’s endured. 

I don’t know. Part of me is sort of wistful because I liked him for so long, you know? But for the most part, I stopped pining away years ago and got a grip on myself (I mean really, as if a white guy would ever date me). So most of me is just happy that things are going right for him and he’s got somebody to talk to about it all! It’s still weird to know that he’s in a relationship. I mean, really? Him? 

It’s like seeing all those awkward nerdy people from HS at your 10-year reunion (Dude my HS is so cheap that we don’t even have one of those) and seeing how they transformed into handsome business tycoons with the perfect wives. Some of them do, anyway.

It’s just weird knowing he’s changed so much. And missing out on it. Because for years, we were close and then the past few years of college, I stopped making an effort and he never really made any effort at all and we just drifted back to being mere acquaintances. And now he’s dating. 

Hehe. My life is funny. 

If he can get a girlfriend, I can get a boyfriend. Like we were both probably just as socially awkward in high school. Okay fine, maybe I had more friends but he definitely wins for having more male friends than I did.

I mean….

 

Wait..

Understanding Brown Girls

You can’t start a post about brown girls without referencing this Youtube video, right? iisuperwomanii‘s guide to brown girls is something I watched and laughed over when it came out 2 years ago – January 2011 – but recently revisited on a youtube binge that involved watching every single video released in the last year, and then some, by JusReign, Akamazing, and obviously, iisuperwomanii (These are my 3 favorite desi Youtube celebs…do you know others?).

The first thing she talks about in this Youtube response to JusReign’s Rant on Annoying Brown Girls is how us brown girls want lots of attention.

1. YES. GIVE ME ALL OF THE ATTENTION

We’re a little bit needy/clingy/attention-starved. Just a little. I love her references to the whole boy/girl inequality thing (WHICH IS SO TRUE, BY THE WAY. NOT JUST A STEREOTYPING ERROR) but I don’t agree with her logic that this inequality is the reason behind the neediness.

Inequality can lead to self-esteem issues when you’re a girl second-guessing everything you’re doing. Nothing seems to be good enough for the parents, so yeah, you start to wonder sometimes just how good you are. So when you’ve got a guy telling you that you’re beautiful and amazing and he loves spending time with you, you feel like FINALLY, you’re doing something right. And that’s a good feeling. I like that feeling 🙂

Plus, I don’t think that craving attention is necessarily a ‘brown girl’ thing. All girls want attention.

Okay fine. I do like the video (and admiring her hair in the video), but honestly…everything else she says can just apply to all girls. So we’re not going to talk about it anymore, but it was a good intro and it’s still a funny video! I love the way she delivers everything 🙂

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Prysmatique dishing the dirt on what she thinks about brown girls…and about being one –

OKAY so maybe I should talk about myself for a change. I haven’t done that in a while on this blog. Just have a public heart-to-heart-type-post.

 

Brown girls start drama too easily. All my life (post-7th grade life), I have tried to avoid hordes of brown girls. If you really put more than 2 or 3 of us in a group, it’s only a matter of time before shit goes down. I witnessed that firsthand and maybe I’m not letting go of the past, but that feeling of backtalking traitorous “best friends” is not something I want to relive again. So I’ll abide by my decision, thank you very much.

I’ve learned to avoid the packs of brown people. At NYU, they actually banded together and called themselves BROWNTOWN. They had a NAME. I don’t even know what to say about that…every time I try, I just cough and sputter in disbelief.

 

My parents need to stop talking about my marriage. I’m not getting married yet. I’m not planning on seeing anybody for anything THAT long-term. I’ve barely even had a boyfriend, barely explored my sexuality (That is to say…I am straight, but haven’t done much, sexually), and barely thought about my future in such a concrete way.

My parents, though, have done all of the thinking for me. As one of the (few remaining) unmarried/single girls in my generation, EVERY SINGLE MEMBER OF MY FAMILY IS AFTER ME. My gosh it’s so bad that I once had a ring on the middle finger of my right hand and my aunt came up to me and gave me a knowing smile before asking, “So you’re practicing already, huh?”

FRUSTRATION. The ring just matched my outfit you silly fools. Just because I am now 21 (Going to be 22 in July zomg), everybody loves nudging, poking, and hinting at marriage when they talk to me. My own mom incessantly elbows me and asks “Oh, do you have a boy in mind?”

My god. They are so clueless, so old-fashioned, and so IRRITATING. Keep in mind that because I’m Brown, I’m not actually allowed to date. But somehow, still, I am supposed to have a boy in mind?

Weirdos.

 

If I don’t cook and clean, I am a failure and a disappointment. No mother will want her son to marry me…Oh how I laugh. Fine, it’s still a valid point that I should be clean and organized for the sake of having a good-looking house/room, but the fact that I am messier than my OCD mom is somehow cause enough for her to moan in despair about how my future mother-in-law will kick me outta the house if I don’t clean up my act. (Pun intended, and you see, even when she’s lecturing me about being clean, she brings marriage into the mix) And of course, an Indian wife who doesn’t cook and clean and coddle her husband is a useless wife, and I will be useless if I don’t start cooking some nice rajma and daal and chole and gobi aloo soon. [Those were the names of some Indian dishes, if you didn’t gather from context]

 

———————————————

I just wanted to write about how it feels like to be a Brown girl sometimes. It’s frustrating, especially when you’ve got parents that are far too stuck in older times for your own comfort.

Being Brown is difficult. Coming from parents clinging tightly to their roots and the way things were done when they were brought up in India is tough when you are born and raised here.

I would not call myself whitewashed, but I definitely have a different opinion on the strict ideology my parents have about marriage, the ideal husband or wife, and   duties assigned by gender.

I want my boy to help me out with the cooking once in a while. I want him to make ME coffee in the morning once in a while. I refuse to be like my mother, who caters to my father’s every need not because she loves him and wants to (Although there is definitely some of that), but because she believes that this attention and coddling is what is expected and becoming of a wife.

That’s what sickens me. That it’s an obligation. That it’s somehow shameful or disgraceful when your husband gets up off the couch to get himself a glass of water when you are sitting next to him. That you feel GUILTY that you didn’t offer water to him earlier or get up to get it for him. And that if you wanted water, you would again feel GUILTY if he got it for you and you could have gotten it for yourself.

I think that’s pretty messed up, and that’s their upbringing, not mine. Why are you guilty? He’s a grown ass adult. If he wants water, he can get it. If you want water, you can get it. If you want to get each other water, do it out of courtesy or love, not duty or obligation.

So yeah…if you managed to read this far into the post, I hope you understand me (and my opinion on being raised as an Indian-American) a little bit better 🙂

 

Diary of an Insecure Girl

Somebody come cuddle me. I really really want to. I promise I’m comfortable. I promise I’m good enough if you’ll just let me try to show you.

Please, don’t run away. I said NO, please don’t run away. DON’T!

Am I coming on too strong? Should I suppress my desire and let you think we play the game of cat and mouse just a little longer? I’m not that easy, am I? Or am I too hard to get that you’ve given up?

What did I do wrong? Is it something I said? Did I text you too often, or not enough?

Am I busy? Unavailable?

Am I sending out the wrong vibe? What happened after our third date?

NO don’t tell me you’ll call me, you may as well tell me you’ll break my heart. Where is the passion in your eyes that inflamed our bodies the first time we met?

We spent hours together, just talking. Didn’t that mean something to you?

I’M TELLING YOU, I CAN DO BETTER. Just tell me what you want, I’ll do it. I’ll do anything, just don’t leave.

Please, please please I’m begging you please don’t leave.

Don’t leave because if you do I’ll be all alone at night and I really liked it when we cuddled that night. Remember that night? Please don’t go, think back to that night it was real.

It was real I was real we were real it was all real DIDN’T IT MEAN ANYTHING TO YOU?

Why are you still walking away?

Is it true?

Do I mean nothing?