Today, I am 21

That’s right, my lovely followers. Today, Controlled Derangement turned 21. Today, I turned 21!

I’m very excited, of course, but need to make a trip to the DMV and have a better picture taken for my 21+ ID. This mug shot simply will not do. I started the day off with birthday cake. Some of the icing OBVIOUSLY made it to my face. What good are brothers if it doesn’t, huh?

After that, I was up until ~2ish because I had family over (It was awesome. I love big family gatherings like this. I don’t think I can fathom coming from a smaller family…this is just so much better)

Currently, by the way, I am blasting (Okay, playing) a birthday playlist at work haha. It’s fairly dead and I was watching Olympics highlights earlier but now I’m actually just listening to songs about birthdays and typing up this post. I think I left Birthday Sex on repeat for about half an hour. Oops.

This post is very scattered. It’s nearly 2PM and I definitely opened this up at 11. I keep getting phone  calls and people walking in and then I went on my lunch break so…oops!

BUT WOW GUYS, PRYANKA’S 21 YEARS OLD. That’s still young but finally old enough that I am an adult. An adult. Doesn’t roll off the tongue just yet. Maybe later, when I go out with friends and purhase my first legal drink, things will be different? Who knows.

I started writing this post as a response to my bestest bestest best friend. My biffle, Nabila, posted a happy birthday letter to me right here. I’ll post one right back at her but you’ll all have to wait a little bit longer to read that. Next post ❤

Well, this entire post was a fail…it’s already 4:45. How did the time fly by so quickly? I’ll just get down to it and not let myself get any more distracted.

Dear Nabila,

Thank you so much for the letter/blog post you wrote for me!! I am very very sorry – I have not been easy to get in touch with and have disappeared like I tend to do over the summer. Not entirely disappeared…but we’re just not on the same online mediums I think.

Let me just let you know now – I go on Skype most nights, and I also check my FB for notifications prodigiously, as it is how I communicate with the nail bloggers and nail polish community in addition to check on NYU Club updates. And also just talk to people in general. Honestly that’s the one site I’m active on…I have notifications automatically sent to my phone over WiFi or Data because FB is a crucial means of communication.

I just wanted to share something with you since you can’t see my FB status about it…when I made my first color, Accidentally Amazing (I blogged about it a few times on Nail Sparks*), I made 5 bottles of it and sent them out to people for free in exchange for their honest opinions, pictures, and reviews.

Well the first person just posted her review for me right over here, and I wanted to share it with you, like I said. Look here for the review –

Isn’t that awesome?? Just another chapter of my life that I want you to witness! And such a great 21st birthday present from the Nail polish world LOL.

I’m going to be all sappy and stuff later. Like super sappy. Like I’m going to be blowing into a tissue so you better get teary0eyed-too kind of sappy.

Because you’re the person who has been with me through thick and thin and my friendship and love for you will never ever ever waver. EVARRRRRR.


Hugs and besos,



Good morning!

I’m sitting here awake at nearly 5 in the morning, and thought it would be a good time to write up a post!

I have so many sitting in my Drafts folder, but I never really know what to say here anymore. I’m going to touch base with the roots of Controlled Derangement and talk about my thoughts.

That’s what this site is supposed to be. My little personal internet haven where I am allowed to be as bitchy and whiny as I want because I have nobody to answer to but myself. Readers are warned now – this blog has always been a personal one. A no holes barred one. Just keep that in mind.

A lot has been going on these past few weeks of summer, and too much of it has been related to non-academics. My nail polish collection has grown into an addiction. A full blown one where I have around 400 nail polishes now and asked for a proper ALEX drawer unit as a birthday present. In fact, daddy just finished setting it up tonight, at around 1AM.

Here are some pictures of the whole process!

As you can see, I initially had the lighting settings all wrong and everything is all yellow! But here’s a closer view of the finished ALEX drawer unit –

I need to re-house my entire nail polish collection, which is currently stored in shoeboxes and then stuffed into a large under-the-bed clear plastic container.

And because I’m in a picture-spamming kind of mood, here are pictures of my LATEST acquisitions! Just for funzies. IF YOU WANT TO SEE MORE OF MY NAIL POLISH INSANITY, PLEASE FOLLOW MY NAIL-POLISH-ONLY PAGE BY CLICKING HERE!

I’m not kidding, I’m going crazy. You can see that when I start something, I go hard. When I started writing, I just wanted to tell you guys about all the fun stuff going on in my life. I ended up blogging about nail polish. I really and truly enjoy everything about it. Applying polish while watching TV or reading has become one of my favorite pastimes. It’s relaxing, it’s creative, and I really, REALLY love it.

I’ve even started working on some craftier projects, trying to incorporate nail polish when I can. You’ll see more of those projects when I’ve completed them, as some of them are to be gifts and I don’t want to spoil any surprises!

Other than that, I have been fretting about birthday presents recently as well. I have two ultra-big projects to finish so that I can give Nabila and Christine their gifts on time!! It’s really difficult preparing a present for somebody when they’re so secretive about wanting something! Seriously -.-

One last thing I wanted to say though, before I go back to bed and try to sleep. Okay fine, two things.

Tomorrow, I’m going TO AN ARCHERY RANGE with Christine and other friends. I totally haven’t finished her present yet so all I’m doing is gifting her a card for now and bringing her present over to her on August 1st since we’re both working on campus. I’m really excited for this though!!

Then, on Monday AKA MY 21ST BIRTHDAYI’ll be attending a NAIL POLISH MEETUP hosted by blogger and nail polish creator Maria of Cult Nails.

Alright really now, I need to rest up before I head to go shoot some bow and arrow and kick butt tomorrow. Pray that I don’t hurt somebody else (or myself) tomorrow!!

Diary of an Insecure Girl

Somebody come cuddle me. I really really want to. I promise I’m comfortable. I promise I’m good enough if you’ll just let me try to show you.

Please, don’t run away. I said NO, please don’t run away. DON’T!

Am I coming on too strong? Should I suppress my desire and let you think we play the game of cat and mouse just a little longer? I’m not that easy, am I? Or am I too hard to get that you’ve given up?

What did I do wrong? Is it something I said? Did I text you too often, or not enough?

Am I busy? Unavailable?

Am I sending out the wrong vibe? What happened after our third date?

NO don’t tell me you’ll call me, you may as well tell me you’ll break my heart. Where is the passion in your eyes that inflamed our bodies the first time we met?

We spent hours together, just talking. Didn’t that mean something to you?

I’M TELLING YOU, I CAN DO BETTER. Just tell me what you want, I’ll do it. I’ll do anything, just don’t leave.

Please, please please I’m begging you please don’t leave.

Don’t leave because if you do I’ll be all alone at night and I really liked it when we cuddled that night. Remember that night? Please don’t go, think back to that night it was real.

It was real I was real we were real it was all real DIDN’T IT MEAN ANYTHING TO YOU?

Why are you still walking away?

Is it true?

Do I mean nothing?

Disappearing Summer

Hi guys!

Is it June 16 already? Wow, who would have thought. I’ll be 21 in two weeks! Exactly two weeks…July 30th is my 21st birthday. I’ll contemplate and philosophize over that later.

Back when I blogged mostly to myself, I think I posted things that were a lot more personal to my emotions at that time. This is my diary, but I think I forget that sometimes and try to bottle things rather than write them here. That’s because with increased followers comes increased responsibility. Nobody following my blog wants to know about my personal issues. Everybody has them and everybody finds a way to deal with them, and I’ll be the first one to tell you that I hate having friends who only rant to me about their problems.

That doesn’t mean I’m not there for them. I am, 100%. But a friendship cannot just be a crutch! Similarly, this blog cannot be my crutch. I cannot simply whine and be “depressed” on here because you all will think I have a much more generally unhappy disposition than I actually do.

I’m usually very chipper, I promise. Summer always gets me down though, because I’m at home with my parents and to put it simply, we don’t see eye to eye on 99.9% of things. 

So I’ve spent half my summer in NHP aka Nothing’s Happening Place and although I’ve definitely been able to see a lot more of Jess (We always catch up over summer after spending the school year at different colleges) the overall restrictions and lack of freedom is killing me.

I need permission to do anything, I need a car to get anywhere from here, I can’t stay out late, I can’t hang out with friends, I can’t make last minute plans, I can’t drink, I can’t see friends that are boys, I’m in a basement with no signal, and I am generally unhappy with my relationship with my parents. 

Blah. Summer’s only half over but it feels like it’s been a millenia. Usually I look forward to moving back into my dorm but this year, I won’t even have that.

It’s like walking toward the light in the tunnel and finding out you’re emerging into perpetual night.

It sucks.

Cuddling and Comfort

Ever since…December of 2011, the one thing I have sorely missed is the comfort that comes with cuddling. As I said to somebody earlier today, there is a certain comfort in those intimate moments before you fall asleep and right after you wake up, when being in somebody else’s arms makes your whole body feel more at ease.

I miss the comfort when you have confident arms securely wrapped around you, and the heat of another body to keep you warm. Call me girly, but I love being held. And I sorely miss it.

It is that feeling of knowing that somebody else cares about you and wants to be close to you that lulls you into the best sleep you’ve ever had. Fine, you sleep fitfully sometimes because you’re afraid of tossing and turning too much or taking over the entire bed, but once you move past all that, you sleep with a smile and wake up feeling so happy.

And let me stress one more thing while I am writing this quick post. Cuddling is so much more comforting when it is somebody who cares about you. A “hook up” cuddle just isn’t the same. You do it awkwardly because you feel obligated to, but in the morning, you are unsure of the protocol. Do you cuddle? Do you sneak out of bed? Do you stay for breakfast? No, cuddling with somebody who doesn’t mean anything to you just isn’t the same.

So yes, I miss it badly. Not the physical intimacy, but the emotional and mental intimacy that you can only experience when you share a bed or couch with somebody you are close to. The sweet nothings, the giggles, the glimpses into your innermost fears and desires…they belong in the ears of somebody your body belongs with. Fits with. And that’s the person who you will find the most comfortable cuddling with too. It’s not just about the sex or the satiation of intimacy after sex, it’s about developing a relationship. It’s the pillow talk…that’s what makes cuddling so damned appealing and comforting to just about every girl out there.

Without Fear, Favor, or Sympathy

Today was my last day of Jury Duty! Unfortunately for me, because I was an alternate juror, I was not a part of the final jury that is deliberating today and tomorrow (and however long it takes thereafter to reach a unanimous decision). The other alternates and I were dismissed today and thanked by both attorneys.

The Honorable Judge even remembered where I study! Before I left his court for the last time, he calls out “Oh and Alternate 3, good luck at NYU”

I blushed. So awesome that he remembered!

After that we got to briefly meet both the defense and prosecution attorneys, and that was really amazing. What I found disconcerting (but cool) was the rapport they had with one another out of the courtroom. Not only cordial, they were swapping stories, laughing, and at ease with one another. I don’t know if the reason is that she has defended many people against the ADA who was prosecuting the case or what, but you would have thought them a pair of friends if you saw them outside of the courtroom.

To me, that’s crazy. All personal emotions and relationships need to be left outside of the courtroom, but no matter how competitive the case gets, they are able to look one another in the eye with no hatred afterwards. No resentment.

I wonder if someday in the future, I’ll discover the secret of how I can do that.

I totally wrote this post up on June 27, but never got around to posting it. Better late than never!

I do not know if and when the frequency of blog posts on my blog will become faster. I’m in a real writing rut right now, and haven’t been doing much graphic design either.

I expect no fear, favor, or sympathy from my readers either. I’m still around though, so don’t give up on me just yet!