All I want to do right now is crack open my Photoshop and work away; be creative once more and express my frustrations through my art. I used to be able to do that a lot more often before college started. In fact, I used to have a lot more fun before college started too. Independence and freedom are great, but the cost just keeps revealing hidden charges. Nobody told me that there would be weeks where I’d be awake -all night- three nights out of a five day week. Nobody told me that college is just one term paper after another, with enough time in between to throw in some readings and lectures and seminars and discussions and meticulous notes. Okay well maybe even that’s not entirely true. "College is hard," they say. But they didn’t specify just how tough it was going to be. Just how stressful, and exactly how much anguish we were going to go through.
"I’ve never gotten a B in my life!" my roommate says as she comes storming home one day last week. Yeah well….my response is that I’ve never gotten C’s before college either. A…C? I mean, really now, if that isn’t depreciating to my pride, I don’t know how much harder you’re going to need to try. And by that I mean…of course it hurt. I looked at my grades and I wanted to cry. How can I be doing so bad…I put in twice the effort and I just end up sucking anyway. Nobody told me that this is what college was going to feel like. Because to me, this is just a little more than "hard."
Don’t get me wrong, I’m not planning on killing myself or anything. I’m much too much in love with my family, friends, and Photoshop to do that. And my seminar isn’t so bad. I mean I actually have a pretty viable topic for the 20 page research paper that’s coming up soon. Ha, 20 page research paper. That should be a piece of cake right? After all, I’m in college now! Papers don’t phase me.
…Except, for some reason, they still do.
I don’t use this blog for fancy talk. I’m not elegaic or verbose or extravagant; I don’t embellish my prose or end my sentences with a flourish. I’ve seen other blogs – blogs of NYU students – and they’re very well-written….to the point where I feel like maybe I should try making mine better as well. But if I had to worry about my own blog, or journal, being "well-written," it’d just be another assignment to add to my already big list of things to get done.
I have an essay due tomorrow. It’s not a big deal…it’s definitely not the first essay I’ve ever written. But usually when I wrote essays in high school, they didn’t count for 30% of my grade. They definitely didn’t stress me out this much. To the point where I just want to give up and turn in whatever bits and pieces of the prompt I’ve managed to answer. "Fuck it," a huge part of my brain is screaming.
BUT I CAN’T. I’m an English major. And I’m Pryanka…and Pryanka simply can’t give up on an essay because she’s tired. Maybe I should just tell myself to suck it up and study….maybe that’s the way to go? I don’t even know anymore, and I just want more coffee.
Not for the sugar rush or anything. It just tastes good and makes me less mad at the way things are going at college. I’m always tired….ALWAYS. I’m always tired…..
Junior year in high school has nothing on this. Absolutely nothing. Sure, I can go wherever I want, but how much time do i have to do that? I go home on weekends (sometimes), and when I do stay and try to have fun, I’m just worried about the pile of assignments adding up as I’m having fun.
"You can’t slack off." But what if I’m just genuinely struggling? Will anybody believe me? Will my parents? The effort I put into my work doesn’t show because everybody around me is simply BETTER, and needs to try significantly less to attain that position. Prior to coming to New York University, I had believed myself to know quite a bit. May I be so bold as to say I thought I was smart?
Well, I was absolutely wrong.